unlimited
Sunday, April 30, 2006
quiet night, quiet dinner
...the odor of gasoline burning to power the tubes that cast harsh flickering shadows
mingled with the smell of food, of spice, of fruits, of cheap perfume and fresh plastic
the rains did not dampen the spirits of the penjaja, the hawkers that come by twilight
and still the people came, by foot and by car and by bike, to the noise and the activity of the
market of the night
I passed by the ttDi market today, as I went for dinner. They moved to a slightly different location, after years of being wedge in a corner of the neighbourhood. Now they surround the old Jaya Jusco building, which used to be the place to go when I was little, long in the days before the massive 1 Utama sprung up.
Bragging: As usual, my acute powers of observation predicted the event before the fact. Peculiar markings on the road clued me off to it, as I passed by there a few days ago. (Okay, so they'd moved the weekend before, but I don't go that often, so it's not like I had first time knowledge)
Anyway, my family was out-of-state the entire weekend, and the solitude was, by and large, pleasant. I am a solitary creature, indeed. I love quiet moments, with the earth below and the stars above, the buzz of my thoughts and the silence of the land.
mingled with the smell of food, of spice, of fruits, of cheap perfume and fresh plastic
the rains did not dampen the spirits of the penjaja, the hawkers that come by twilight
and still the people came, by foot and by car and by bike, to the noise and the activity of the
market of the night
I passed by the ttDi market today, as I went for dinner. They moved to a slightly different location, after years of being wedge in a corner of the neighbourhood. Now they surround the old Jaya Jusco building, which used to be the place to go when I was little, long in the days before the massive 1 Utama sprung up.
Bragging: As usual, my acute powers of observation predicted the event before the fact. Peculiar markings on the road clued me off to it, as I passed by there a few days ago. (Okay, so they'd moved the weekend before, but I don't go that often, so it's not like I had first time knowledge)
Anyway, my family was out-of-state the entire weekend, and the solitude was, by and large, pleasant. I am a solitary creature, indeed. I love quiet moments, with the earth below and the stars above, the buzz of my thoughts and the silence of the land.
Friday, April 28, 2006
i cycle, therefore i am
The breath of the city was warm and clammy. Though eye of the sky hung low and the streets were dark from the damp of the afternoon's drizzle, the breeze that whistled about me was humid. My bike creaked as I pedalled past the boxes of suburbia.
It was meant to be an escape from headaches, real and imaginary, into the coolness of the evening's embrace. Nevertheless less, like a persistent of cloud of flies on a summer day still my woes followed me whither I went.
Then I found the darker paths, above which its stoic custodians intertwined their leafy fingers so tightly you could not tell where one begun and another ended. Here, in the shadows, there was respite from the heat of the world around. Here, in my solitude, there was the peace I sought.
It was meant to be an escape from headaches, real and imaginary, into the coolness of the evening's embrace. Nevertheless less, like a persistent of cloud of flies on a summer day still my woes followed me whither I went.
Then I found the darker paths, above which its stoic custodians intertwined their leafy fingers so tightly you could not tell where one begun and another ended. Here, in the shadows, there was respite from the heat of the world around. Here, in my solitude, there was the peace I sought.
as the oak grows
taken this morning from the bus stop"Let no one who loves be unhappy... even love unreturned has its rainbow." - JM Barrie
Of late my blog has been scattered with oblique (or not) references to love. Unrequited, at that; but I'm glad it's not for want of courage.
One great thing about being young is that we're free to make mistakes, and to learn from them. My mistake now is not moving on quickly enough, and allowing it to subtly mess up my days. It's holding on too tight, not just to love unrequited but to things that bother me, like university rejections. I know what it means to be mature, how I should be... but the heart ignores my mind's counsel.
Still, time is the great transmuter. Sitting in the garden just now, in the quiet of the night, I found a sort of peace within. Peace that demands a price, of course. The highs and lows of being in love were a tribute to being alive emotionally, so it hurts to do the mature thing. However, in the long run it's better to move on quickly, and get on with life. It's the right thing, the ought to do thing. It hurts, but I shall not suffer needlessly. I will not prod my wound, I will not pick at the scabs.
But I will say, I am glad for the experience, because it's been a while since I felt my soul soar so high. I have found peace, for now. And I'm going to put it in the shoebox of my life, a keepsake of a memory. And live wisely =).
"Someday we'll know if love could move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you"
- New Radicals, Someday We'll Know
Thursday, April 27, 2006
the empty
Remember that nest in my garden? I checked it again today, and it was slumped to one side, heart-rendingly empty.
Perhaps an angry storm came one night, and lashed at the boughs that the nest was precariously perched upon. One particularly strong gust and the two delicate eggs plummeted into the hard embrace of the earth. I wonder, was there any one to observe their fall? Was there a mournful song in the darkness? Or was it another casualty of life?
There's a lesson to be learned here, about the pathos of living. We can maintain hope, but sometimes, it just gets crushed, and there's nothing for it but to move on. Other times, the egg survives but you don't know whether it will ever hatch, but you move on anyway.
Perhaps an angry storm came one night, and lashed at the boughs that the nest was precariously perched upon. One particularly strong gust and the two delicate eggs plummeted into the hard embrace of the earth. I wonder, was there any one to observe their fall? Was there a mournful song in the darkness? Or was it another casualty of life?
There's a lesson to be learned here, about the pathos of living. We can maintain hope, but sometimes, it just gets crushed, and there's nothing for it but to move on. Other times, the egg survives but you don't know whether it will ever hatch, but you move on anyway.
the flying kumquats
I ought to get more sleep. Then maybe I wouldn't do things like this.Anyway, the tentative name for the Taylor's Ultimate Frisbee team is the FLYING KUMQUATS. Some googling threw up a page of kumquat movie spoofs. Things quickly got out of hand. Kumquats in everything! It's an intrinsically funny fruit, that's why, hehe.
Monday, April 24, 2006
prom thing
I'm feeling a few kinds of stupid right now: Too stupid to get an ivy to give me money, too stupid to choose a passion, too stupid about importants things, too stupid to move on.
Oh well. It's good to be back at college. Lessons notwithstanding (I dozed in Econs, ugh), it's great to see old friends again. There's a certain comfort there. The future is vague, uncertain, but for now you can rely on the goodwill of friends.
Prom's coming, too. Lots of discussion about it going around today, what with my class rep trying to sort out the tables and who's actually coming and with who. It gets tricky particularly since we've got a high net inflow of people. Several people aren't coming, sure, but Lord, the amount of people joining us is fantastic. At least it helps make the numbers, since we need 10 people to a table =). Even this isn't enough, though, what with some imaginary girlfriends (a just-in-case-seat, in other words) and yet more imports.
Interestingly enough, only the January, March, and July intake people are supposed to be there. I suppose the right word would be black market import then XD. Of course, if there's one thing I've learnt so far, it's that the rules might be written, but it'd take all their resources to enforce it. You might catch a few but plenty more slip through. At any rate, my class being a net importer of people, have plenty of tricks up their sleeves. Ehehe =). Management shouldn't complain too, since it rakes in revenue for them.
Mmm. I've a few misgivings, considering (a) the traditional Chinese fare, which means miscellaneous offal, (b) the highly suspect performances (if the last time is anything to go by), (c) and the whole misplaced atmosphere. From what I gathered when I covered the '05 prom (as photographer, heh), it seems more like some rowdy restaurant. Attention optional. Everyone's like ooo you look so good let's take a photo and another with her and another him and all together now and different pose now... and everyone's all over the place.
But what the hell. It may not be my kind of thing, but my friends will be there, and that matters more than (a), (b), and (c). So =).
Also today, I realise how lousy I am at keeping secrets and surprises to myself, especially those that interest me a great deal, no matter how big or insignificant they are.
Oh and I opened this fortune cookie I found in a friend's car. The fortune read, "[smiley face] Your love life will be happy and harmonious [smiley face]." It was fascinating, I've not seen a fortune cookie in ages. Did you know, you're supposed to eat the cookie before reading the fortune? (courtesy of wikipedia). I read it first, so I think 'null and voided' any possible luck, hehe. And fortune cookies aren't authentic Chinese desserts. For real Chinse desserts, you can't go wrong with weird warm sugary red bean puree.
The friend, who incidentally has problems finding a table at the prom since her class is a net exporter and suffers the pangs of a strong unrequited crush, exclaimed "Oh, how it mocks me!" while resisting all efforts to stick it somewhere prominent on her dashboard. Her situation is a bit tragic, but at least one of her best friends, in my class, is doing his best. Which, since my class has a shortage of space, means he has to go hunt for another 8 more people to fill a table o.O. The question really is, though, would friendship be worth rm800? (8 seats x rm100 per ticket). He wavered on that point =P.
Oh well. It's good to be back at college. Lessons notwithstanding (I dozed in Econs, ugh), it's great to see old friends again. There's a certain comfort there. The future is vague, uncertain, but for now you can rely on the goodwill of friends.
Prom's coming, too. Lots of discussion about it going around today, what with my class rep trying to sort out the tables and who's actually coming and with who. It gets tricky particularly since we've got a high net inflow of people. Several people aren't coming, sure, but Lord, the amount of people joining us is fantastic. At least it helps make the numbers, since we need 10 people to a table =). Even this isn't enough, though, what with some imaginary girlfriends (a just-in-case-seat, in other words) and yet more imports.
Interestingly enough, only the January, March, and July intake people are supposed to be there. I suppose the right word would be black market import then XD. Of course, if there's one thing I've learnt so far, it's that the rules might be written, but it'd take all their resources to enforce it. You might catch a few but plenty more slip through. At any rate, my class being a net importer of people, have plenty of tricks up their sleeves. Ehehe =). Management shouldn't complain too, since it rakes in revenue for them.
Mmm. I've a few misgivings, considering (a) the traditional Chinese fare, which means miscellaneous offal, (b) the highly suspect performances (if the last time is anything to go by), (c) and the whole misplaced atmosphere. From what I gathered when I covered the '05 prom (as photographer, heh), it seems more like some rowdy restaurant. Attention optional. Everyone's like ooo you look so good let's take a photo and another with her and another him and all together now and different pose now... and everyone's all over the place.
But what the hell. It may not be my kind of thing, but my friends will be there, and that matters more than (a), (b), and (c). So =).
Also today, I realise how lousy I am at keeping secrets and surprises to myself, especially those that interest me a great deal, no matter how big or insignificant they are.
Oh and I opened this fortune cookie I found in a friend's car. The fortune read, "[smiley face] Your love life will be happy and harmonious [smiley face]." It was fascinating, I've not seen a fortune cookie in ages. Did you know, you're supposed to eat the cookie before reading the fortune? (courtesy of wikipedia). I read it first, so I think 'null and voided' any possible luck, hehe. And fortune cookies aren't authentic Chinese desserts. For real Chinse desserts, you can't go wrong with weird warm sugary red bean puree.
The friend, who incidentally has problems finding a table at the prom since her class is a net exporter and suffers the pangs of a strong unrequited crush, exclaimed "Oh, how it mocks me!" while resisting all efforts to stick it somewhere prominent on her dashboard. Her situation is a bit tragic, but at least one of her best friends, in my class, is doing his best. Which, since my class has a shortage of space, means he has to go hunt for another 8 more people to fill a table o.O. The question really is, though, would friendship be worth rm800? (8 seats x rm100 per ticket). He wavered on that point =P.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
usc
It's been one oppressively hot day. I survived frisbee*, but the moment I reached home, it was all I could manage to turn on the air conditioning before snooozing. * - (specifically, the heat and getting hit by a girl... 's knee. In the jaw. Yeah.)
Havard was in the news again, today. About the people who got in this year. Harvard seems to thrive on this sort of advertising, which probably gives it a de facto elevated status. I wonder why they feel the need to publish the names. It's almost as if it was a competition. If anything, it's a rigged lottery: rigged, because the things you've done clearly influence your chances of getting in. But ultimately it's a lottery, because there are about 10 times as many people applying as get in, many of which are equally talented.
Oh well. I didn't apply to Harvard anyway =).
I'm actually warming up to the idea of going to USC, really. All the positive reinforcement I've been getting, natch. I'd have sent in the enrollment commitment stuff already, too, but for news on the Shell Scholarship. As much as I'm ready to go to USC, there's no denying that a Cornell degree is more, um, compelling. I'm still stuck in limbo, and not liking every moment.
And college kicks off again on Monday. I'm on third base, going to make the final dash. My days at Taylor's are numbered. *sigh*
Havard was in the news again, today. About the people who got in this year. Harvard seems to thrive on this sort of advertising, which probably gives it a de facto elevated status. I wonder why they feel the need to publish the names. It's almost as if it was a competition. If anything, it's a rigged lottery: rigged, because the things you've done clearly influence your chances of getting in. But ultimately it's a lottery, because there are about 10 times as many people applying as get in, many of which are equally talented.
Oh well. I didn't apply to Harvard anyway =).
I'm actually warming up to the idea of going to USC, really. All the positive reinforcement I've been getting, natch. I'd have sent in the enrollment commitment stuff already, too, but for news on the Shell Scholarship. As much as I'm ready to go to USC, there's no denying that a Cornell degree is more, um, compelling. I'm still stuck in limbo, and not liking every moment.
And college kicks off again on Monday. I'm on third base, going to make the final dash. My days at Taylor's are numbered. *sigh*
Thursday, April 20, 2006
subtle electric fire
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!The world forgetting, by the world forgot... There's a subtle thread of vengeance here, one, I suppose, that we all feel at some point in our lives. But the show which takes its title from the third line goes out of its way to say that, "Hey, memories are precious too. No one can take away memory of happiness except ourselves. Forgetting because you were forgot is like burning down your house to kill a rat."
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd
My A2 trials results are out, too... 82, 82, 72, 62. What a profusion of 2, heh. Irrelevant observation aside, Chem and Math turned out okay despite some misgivings, B for Physics, and C for Econs. For Physics, I suppose not studying one of the options cost me something =). The price of going to OBS, actually. And Econs? That plain sucked, excuse my French. I knew it did even as I wrote the exam. My mind was discombobulated and my thoughts disjointed.
A mighty pain to love it is,I seem to still be stuck fast to the rollercoaster of emotion. In my despondency of late I have been ambushed by a moment of hope: couple of letters for me today. One was Yale's rejection. The other, was from USC, long since dismissed from my mind. I wondered at the reasons for their correspondence as I slit open the letter.
And 't is a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain,
It is to love, but love in vain...
- Abraham Cowley
To my amazement: I've received a scholarship! Whoa. So, I can now double major in Engineering and Economics. Location-wise, I do have some hesitations. I had my heart set on Boston, my one consolation for not attending a longed for uni. Now, the city of angels? I can't say I know much about it, except that it's on the San Andreas fault line. Which, you know, can't be a good thing. And the class size. It's ZOMG enormous, to the order of a couple thousand, I think. Lastly, a problem now is that it wouldn't be right transfer later to do engineering, since clearly this gives me the opportunity.
The weather in LA, at least, will be sunny year round. No snow (NO SNOW??). There are beaches, dunes, wetlands, hills, mountains, and rivers (according to wikipedia). And, I can do engineering.
More on Los Angeles: quite a massive city, very mixed population there. Has most Armenians, Cambodians, Filipinos, Guatemalans, Hungarians, Israelis, Koreans, Mexicans, Salvadorans, Thais, and Vietnamese outside of their home countries. One of the largest Asian American communities, too. Entertainment capital of the world, think Hollywood etc. The university is quite close to the city center, too, which means it's sort of like the antithesis to Cornell's location.
But still, it's not a bad place to be, I think. And considering the fact that I do want to do engineering, if the Shell Scholarship doesn't come off, it's probably USC for me.
Hm. Well, there's no strong attraction, but I suppose some things just have to grow on you.
A shot of nepenthe, please.
Monday, April 17, 2006
frisbee!!...
It rained in the afternoon, so the field was muddy. The night air was humid, and the mosquitoes were legion. Visibility was horrible because there were only a couple of spotlights. Plus my spectacles kept fogging up.
But for all that, nothing beats the thrill of throwing a perfect throw, or making a winning catch. We all played amazingly today, and there was none of the competitiveness of Saturday frisbee. Even if I had to chase after this hyper little girl who kept running back, and forth, and back, and forth =P. The after-game dinner was enjoyable too. Relaxing at the mamak stall with a few friends, chatting about everything from movies, to books, to really nothing in particular. Absolutely terrific.
For what it's worth, tonight was Most Excellent. It was close to perfect as I think I'll get for a long while. It is sad to think that these moments cannot last, but they are no less precious because they are numbered. They are utterly simple moments, yet the moments that we shall remember for all time. For what I have now, was once among the things I only once hoped for.
Maybe it's just me, heh.
As an ancient Roman sage once said, "Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think."
I lived this moment well, and am ready for the next.
Cheers ;-)
But for all that, nothing beats the thrill of throwing a perfect throw, or making a winning catch. We all played amazingly today, and there was none of the competitiveness of Saturday frisbee. Even if I had to chase after this hyper little girl who kept running back, and forth, and back, and forth =P. The after-game dinner was enjoyable too. Relaxing at the mamak stall with a few friends, chatting about everything from movies, to books, to really nothing in particular. Absolutely terrific.
For what it's worth, tonight was Most Excellent. It was close to perfect as I think I'll get for a long while. It is sad to think that these moments cannot last, but they are no less precious because they are numbered. They are utterly simple moments, yet the moments that we shall remember for all time. For what I have now, was once among the things I only once hoped for.
Maybe it's just me, heh.
As an ancient Roman sage once said, "Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think."
I lived this moment well, and am ready for the next.
Cheers ;-)
Saturday, April 15, 2006
holiday stupor
Bleah. I'm in a funk. The holidays are dragging on too long. Even frisbee has lost some of its appeal. Case in point: today. I mean, all things considered I played perfectly fine today, as well as I've ever played anyway. But there wasn't any real satisfaction. There was only the thought that as long as I'm on the field, that's all there is at the moment. Nothing else. Only 7 people across, 6 teammates, and 1 disc. And me, just going through the motions, trying to forget the world.
Sometimes I wish for the release that Outward Bound gave me. It is a physical, mental detachment from present life, from present thoughts and fears and worries. I wonder, is that why I applied for a cultural programme to Hungrary? It's a 1 month long programme, and takes place after A2 exam. (Yeah. So now everyone knows.)
It's almost liking running away from my problems. I feel weak. I recognise the small-ness inside of me, the darkness. I'm not strong enough. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not funny enough. I don't know whether I'll ever be.
I will be strong, though. I face the future without stumble... because there's nothing else for it. And I stand, as I have ever stood, apart. Alone.
"Success is how high you bounce when you hit rock bottom."
Boing.
Sometimes I wish for the release that Outward Bound gave me. It is a physical, mental detachment from present life, from present thoughts and fears and worries. I wonder, is that why I applied for a cultural programme to Hungrary? It's a 1 month long programme, and takes place after A2 exam. (Yeah. So now everyone knows.)
It's almost liking running away from my problems. I feel weak. I recognise the small-ness inside of me, the darkness. I'm not strong enough. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not funny enough. I don't know whether I'll ever be.
I will be strong, though. I face the future without stumble... because there's nothing else for it. And I stand, as I have ever stood, apart. Alone.
"Success is how high you bounce when you hit rock bottom."
Boing.
Friday, April 14, 2006
mmm, soup
I found this bird's nest in a bush in my garden today. Two delicate, reddish-brown eggs lay within, as I observed from my bedroom window (I didn't want to get too close). NestCam is online and I shall be tracking it's development with interest =).
It was in an awkward place, though. The bush in question is really spikey, and it's not very tall either. Two conclusions can therefore be made: (a) birds are stupid, or (b) laying eggs is fundamentally an act of optimism, because all the risk it entails.
As to that second, this quote came to mind: “To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.” (Emphasis mine)
One of those hopes was getting into a good uni with aid. Today the Stanford letter came, and I reacted stoicly again. The risk of not getting in anywhere I wanted was always very real anyway. I suppose after a while, you learn to live with that sort of risk, that sort of disappointment, because you know that the moments when you do succeed are worth every pain, every fall. The worst we can do is never try.
Besides, a lot of human wisdom can be contained in 3 words: Life goes on.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
random holiday update
Self-diagnosis: I have a Speech Impediment! I can't pronounce S properly I noticed first, I think, when I was trying to use recordings to practise public speaking. Noticed the muffled S-sound. Since then, I've realised time and time again. I think I know the correct way of pronouncing it, but breaking old habits is difficult.
I hate not being able to drive. It's usually not an issue, my friends are big enough to keep taking me around, but still. It's a matter of independence. When you've got a car, distances are suddenly much shorter, and a whole range of possibilities open right up. Unfortunately, I am among the worst procrastinators in the world, so I've not got around to it yet. And now I feel it, with parents off in Netherlands and their cars sitting idle...
There's a line I like from some Discworld novel: "You're so sharp you'll cut yourself." I like the wordplay, but today I was thinking how it might actually mean something. Sharp means having acute reasoning. If we reason too much, if we draw conclusions from evidence too thin, there is the risk of taking the wrong actions. And thus: "...you'll cut yourself."
On the other hand, as the titular character in V for Vendetta says, "There are no coincidences, only the illusion of coincidence." Yes, I know it's just fiction. But sometimes, maybe things aren't just coincidence.
And this thinking, it drives one mad.
I hate not being able to drive. It's usually not an issue, my friends are big enough to keep taking me around, but still. It's a matter of independence. When you've got a car, distances are suddenly much shorter, and a whole range of possibilities open right up. Unfortunately, I am among the worst procrastinators in the world, so I've not got around to it yet. And now I feel it, with parents off in Netherlands and their cars sitting idle...
There's a line I like from some Discworld novel: "You're so sharp you'll cut yourself." I like the wordplay, but today I was thinking how it might actually mean something. Sharp means having acute reasoning. If we reason too much, if we draw conclusions from evidence too thin, there is the risk of taking the wrong actions. And thus: "...you'll cut yourself."
On the other hand, as the titular character in V for Vendetta says, "There are no coincidences, only the illusion of coincidence." Yes, I know it's just fiction. But sometimes, maybe things aren't just coincidence.
And this thinking, it drives one mad.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
i 'heart' ultimate
The holidays have gotten off to a decent start. Not what I'd hoped for exactly, but two days of frisbee isn't bad =). Three if you count the weekend.
Yesterday friends from Taylor's showed up en masse at the ttDi field, where we play Monday nights. There were 9 of us and one Astaka (now UM) dude and one CHS guy and the park keeper. As I arrived, everyone was leaving. The weather, they said. The sky was the slate grey of a concrete pavement, if concrete had white hot cracks running through it. We had dinner at a nearby Indian place, and the conversation was lively.
After we were done, the predicted rains still hadn't come, so we decided to toss a bit. We didn't get more than a drizzle, and we were all sweaty anyway. Question: what's brown and sticky? Me after frisbee I don't think I'll ever hear the end of this, no thanks to Darell =).
I wasn't planning to go to today's game, but since the venue changed to ttDi, and I wasn't doing anything anyway, I pulled out my bike and made my way there. Turned out to be quite fun, too. No Taylor's people this time, but the more experienced Astaka/UM people. The small number of people (11) and small field made the games light and easy.
The best part of today's game, though, was the whole mood it immersed me in. The weather was fine, only very little drizzle that turned to a mild shine. The world around me was calm, and I was at peace. It was, I think, a feeling of belonging.
Such a rare and beautiful thing, that.
And now, back our regularly scheduled holiday monotony.
Yesterday friends from Taylor's showed up en masse at the ttDi field, where we play Monday nights. There were 9 of us and one Astaka (now UM) dude and one CHS guy and the park keeper. As I arrived, everyone was leaving. The weather, they said. The sky was the slate grey of a concrete pavement, if concrete had white hot cracks running through it. We had dinner at a nearby Indian place, and the conversation was lively.
After we were done, the predicted rains still hadn't come, so we decided to toss a bit. We didn't get more than a drizzle, and we were all sweaty anyway. Question: what's brown and sticky? Me after frisbee I don't think I'll ever hear the end of this, no thanks to Darell =).
I wasn't planning to go to today's game, but since the venue changed to ttDi, and I wasn't doing anything anyway, I pulled out my bike and made my way there. Turned out to be quite fun, too. No Taylor's people this time, but the more experienced Astaka/UM people. The small number of people (11) and small field made the games light and easy.
The best part of today's game, though, was the whole mood it immersed me in. The weather was fine, only very little drizzle that turned to a mild shine. The world around me was calm, and I was at peace. It was, I think, a feeling of belonging.
Such a rare and beautiful thing, that.
And now, back our regularly scheduled holiday monotony.
Monday, April 10, 2006
the worth of learning
CNN Money has an article on the most lucrative college degrees. To the side is the accompanying table.Two things came to mind. First: My dad really is an idiot. He's not earning even a tenth of the salary for electrical engineers. If both of my parents had the average pay listed there, not even taking into account experience, I wouldn't have any problems getting into Cornell. Whoo o.O.
Secondly, now I really really want to go to Cornell to do a double degree in Econs and Engineering ><. Econs shows great potential, and chemical engineering means good pay anyway.
I hope I get that Shell Scholarship, because even I have to work in Shell Malaysia for some time, I could always shift back once I'm done. Or, work for Shell in US.
See how life might take a good turn even here? If I miss this turning, then I suppose Economics isn't bad. Less workload, for one thing, hehe. And there'd be no bond, and 45k isn't bad I think.
Caveat: I'm not sure whether they're talking about bachelors or masters here. And, money isn't everything. So there =).
two weeks
So another round of holidays begins, lethargically, apathetically, following hard on the heels of my A2 trials. Killer exams, those. I suppose the holidays are good in their own way, but I seem stuck in a perpetual funk these days. As subdued as the weather has been. I don't know what to do with my time, now that I have so much of it.
I long for anything that will take my mind off my thoughts, which buzz in my head like depressed bees. The release of frisbee, of tennis, of playing the guitar... repetitive tasks, whose actions are firm engraved in my mind. It's almost like meditation. Emptying your mind (which brings to mind a joke about the Dalai Lama, which I'll tell anyone who asks =).
I'm too lazy right now to even watch movies, or play Sim City 4. Too much stimulation. I am content to exist, now. There's nothing in the immediate future I particularly look forward too, only things that have to be done, the unavoidable.
And my thoughts are scattered like sand dunes in the Sahara, transient, fleeting, shifting. Words get stuck in my head, too. It took me some time to come up with 'subdued' for the weather, I knew what I wanted to say, just forgot the word. Yesterday I struggled to come up with the word 'reflection', as in, "such-and-such is a reflection of ability".
My parents are going to Netherlands for a week or so, leaving my brothers, me, and a couple relatives . Shows how much trust there is. (Though practically, they're here to take care of my little brother, to send him around and stuff. But then it comes to mind how my mom never really bothered with me... All those years of having of 'take a bus!' 'ask a friend!'... It's marginally better now, but not much.)
Thought: I was reading my mom's MIT alumni mag, which is part technology magazine. I couldn't help but feel how amazing it would have been to be part of that world.
Some time last Friday I realised that, in America, because they apply to uni at 17, I'm against the Dragon year kids, the ravaging hordes. Just my luck, eh? Super-competitive Chinese kids. Most of my uni letters arrived on Friday, too, 2 BFEs and a armload of rejections. Macalester's looked well-thought out, Cornell's looked a on the thin side and classy (glossy paper and all that). The rejections were painfully thin envelopes. Swat, Princeton, to name a few.
They always say, this is not a judgement of your character, and we're sure you'll succeed elsewhere, but of course it feels like a judgement. It makes all their words sound like empty, mass produced platitudes.
I think I'm just not taking this so well, because there's so much going wrong right now, that every new thing just contributes exponentially.
I need a reason to be joyful again. I mean, real, powerful joy, not just contentment. Contentment is good, I do find it in spurts, but I need something to balance out all the negativity.
And I keep thinking, how boring this blog must be, because all I do is moan =/
I long for anything that will take my mind off my thoughts, which buzz in my head like depressed bees. The release of frisbee, of tennis, of playing the guitar... repetitive tasks, whose actions are firm engraved in my mind. It's almost like meditation. Emptying your mind (which brings to mind a joke about the Dalai Lama, which I'll tell anyone who asks =).
I'm too lazy right now to even watch movies, or play Sim City 4. Too much stimulation. I am content to exist, now. There's nothing in the immediate future I particularly look forward too, only things that have to be done, the unavoidable.
And my thoughts are scattered like sand dunes in the Sahara, transient, fleeting, shifting. Words get stuck in my head, too. It took me some time to come up with 'subdued' for the weather, I knew what I wanted to say, just forgot the word. Yesterday I struggled to come up with the word 'reflection', as in, "such-and-such is a reflection of ability".
My parents are going to Netherlands for a week or so, leaving my brothers, me, and a couple relatives . Shows how much trust there is. (Though practically, they're here to take care of my little brother, to send him around and stuff. But then it comes to mind how my mom never really bothered with me... All those years of having of 'take a bus!' 'ask a friend!'... It's marginally better now, but not much.)
Thought: I was reading my mom's MIT alumni mag, which is part technology magazine. I couldn't help but feel how amazing it would have been to be part of that world.
Some time last Friday I realised that, in America, because they apply to uni at 17, I'm against the Dragon year kids, the ravaging hordes. Just my luck, eh? Super-competitive Chinese kids. Most of my uni letters arrived on Friday, too, 2 BFEs and a armload of rejections. Macalester's looked well-thought out, Cornell's looked a on the thin side and classy (glossy paper and all that). The rejections were painfully thin envelopes. Swat, Princeton, to name a few.
They always say, this is not a judgement of your character, and we're sure you'll succeed elsewhere, but of course it feels like a judgement. It makes all their words sound like empty, mass produced platitudes.
I think I'm just not taking this so well, because there's so much going wrong right now, that every new thing just contributes exponentially.
I need a reason to be joyful again. I mean, real, powerful joy, not just contentment. Contentment is good, I do find it in spurts, but I need something to balance out all the negativity.
And I keep thinking, how boring this blog must be, because all I do is moan =/
Thursday, April 06, 2006
see ya cornell
... It's been nice knowing ya.
Their email came yesterday. No financial aid. Which means, I'm not going Cornell. Which means, I can't do engineering. Gnnnh... I need time off to deal with this and everything ><. At least the holidays are next week. I hope to keep busy, though, hehe... Frisbee, for one thing =) Monday night! Saturdays! No Wed and Thurs frisbee, but even if there was there's no way I'm paying rm30 to get to college and back. Monday is at ttdi, hehe.
Also, I need to work on Inkyhands more... a new issue is about due, I think. Barely a trickle of submissions these days. I keep meaning to post on the blog but never get around to it, since it seems the other fellas are pretty consistent in posting. At least I can say I set it up =b
Cheers!
Their email came yesterday. No financial aid. Which means, I'm not going Cornell. Which means, I can't do engineering. Gnnnh... I need time off to deal with this and everything ><. At least the holidays are next week. I hope to keep busy, though, hehe... Frisbee, for one thing =) Monday night! Saturdays! No Wed and Thurs frisbee, but even if there was there's no way I'm paying rm30 to get to college and back. Monday is at ttdi, hehe.
Also, I need to work on Inkyhands more... a new issue is about due, I think. Barely a trickle of submissions these days. I keep meaning to post on the blog but never get around to it, since it seems the other fellas are pretty consistent in posting. At least I can say I set it up =b
Cheers!
Sunday, April 02, 2006
thoughts on the uni thing
The past few days, I've been quite miserable with thought about rejection, with the disappointment of my hopes, with realising that even Cornell is out of my grasp without a scholarship.
More than just for the prestige, on some level I wanted it to be a vindication. I wanted to get in somewhere superfantastic, so I could assure myself that I was of some great standard.
But you know, the fallacy of it all is that admissions is such a difficult process of selection. It is not a measure of a person's, so much as a measure of all that he has achieved, all the tangibles.
It is true that a lot of people who attend elite schools are very successful, both before and after. It is not a perfect measure, however. Empirically it is clear we have many great leaders and many influential people who wouldn't stand a chance at entering. They received their education elsewhere, through observation, through patience, through perseverance. They became who they are on the streets, in the ghettos, in the gutters of society.
I think more important than where we get in, or what praise the world heaps on us, is what we achieve within. To be able to say, I have conquered my demons, lived according to the highest ideals my soul can conceive, to achieve the best I know, is incomparable.
And even if your peak is lower than the peak of others, know that it is the journey that mattered, not the height.
And it is on the journey, on every journey, where you find friends, where you learn courage, where you find your worth. It is where the battles that test your spirit are.
And it is success if you can look back and say, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
----
Do excuse me if you think that was pretentious and/or a load of tripe. I needed to write that, for my sake above all. Yeah, I'm feeling quite optimistic now, except for a few surges of regret and the thought of the tests next week =).
More than just for the prestige, on some level I wanted it to be a vindication. I wanted to get in somewhere superfantastic, so I could assure myself that I was of some great standard.
But you know, the fallacy of it all is that admissions is such a difficult process of selection. It is not a measure of a person's, so much as a measure of all that he has achieved, all the tangibles.
It is true that a lot of people who attend elite schools are very successful, both before and after. It is not a perfect measure, however. Empirically it is clear we have many great leaders and many influential people who wouldn't stand a chance at entering. They received their education elsewhere, through observation, through patience, through perseverance. They became who they are on the streets, in the ghettos, in the gutters of society.
I think more important than where we get in, or what praise the world heaps on us, is what we achieve within. To be able to say, I have conquered my demons, lived according to the highest ideals my soul can conceive, to achieve the best I know, is incomparable.
And even if your peak is lower than the peak of others, know that it is the journey that mattered, not the height.
And it is on the journey, on every journey, where you find friends, where you learn courage, where you find your worth. It is where the battles that test your spirit are.
And it is success if you can look back and say, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
----
Do excuse me if you think that was pretentious and/or a load of tripe. I needed to write that, for my sake above all. Yeah, I'm feeling quite optimistic now, except for a few surges of regret and the thought of the tests next week =).
aftermath
First of all, many many thanks to the people who congratulated me, and having thereafter to put up with my moaning. Haha, I need to work on that =).
But anyway, I'm feeling better now, the sting has faded. The final tally is:
Accepted (4): Cornell, Univ of Southern California, Brandeis, Macalester
Denied (7): Princeton, Swarthmore, MIT, Yale, Stanford, Brown, Dartmouth
For some reason, I'm feeling remarkably optimistic at the moment. Cornell, while an Ivy with all that implies, is in a really backwater place (not quite the Midwest, but still) where booze runs like rain. And it is probably (guessing wildly here) one of the largest Ivies, because it has a state sponsored part. 13,000+ undergrads vs. around 5,000 for Princeton (I think).
Brandeis, which I'm highly likely to attend (short of a miracle), is near Boston. Hehe, I'll at least be able to rub shoulders with the MIT and Havard people. Or snigger and point jealously =b. But point is, Boston is a really nice and according to wikipedia, one of the"oldest, wealthiest, and most culturally significant large cities in the United States."
I think I'll do fine, if not great.
And maybe one day, I'll forgot just how much it hurt.
But anyway, I'm feeling better now, the sting has faded. The final tally is:
Accepted (4): Cornell, Univ of Southern California, Brandeis, Macalester
Denied (7): Princeton, Swarthmore, MIT, Yale, Stanford, Brown, Dartmouth
For some reason, I'm feeling remarkably optimistic at the moment. Cornell, while an Ivy with all that implies, is in a really backwater place (not quite the Midwest, but still) where booze runs like rain. And it is probably (guessing wildly here) one of the largest Ivies, because it has a state sponsored part. 13,000+ undergrads vs. around 5,000 for Princeton (I think).
Brandeis, which I'm highly likely to attend (short of a miracle), is near Boston. Hehe, I'll at least be able to rub shoulders with the MIT and Havard people. Or snigger and point jealously =b. But point is, Boston is a really nice and according to wikipedia, one of the"oldest, wealthiest, and most culturally significant large cities in the United States."
I think I'll do fine, if not great.
And maybe one day, I'll forgot just how much it hurt.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Cornell
Didn't get Stanford. So it all ends.
About Cornell: according to this studentsguide.com, it is..
a Top 10 Sleep-Deprived School
"Cornell parties extremely hard. On the flip side, we also study extremely hard. We really are a school for academically masochistic students. In between partying and studying, theres almost no time for sleep!"
a Top School for Greek-types:
"Most people go out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, some go out more. Alcohol
is everywhere; you’ll never have to worry whether you’ll be able
to get your hands on a beer or some vodka. Cornell’s Greek scene is
huge and throws most of the good parties on campus, so if being in a fraternity
or sorority isn’t your thing, you’ll still be able to have a social
life, but you really might feel left out. Students who pledge tend to have
more fun at Cornell and get more out of their time here."
a Top 10 Fun Loving School:
"The official word from my school is that most students drink one to three drinks, or no drinks at all, when they party. Sorry, Cornell, I dont think youre pulling anything over on 13,000 of the brightest young minds in the country with that one! Was I hallucinating the other night, or didnt I see three guys pass out while doing a beer bong? Ill tell you the truth, here and now, Cornell students drink. And drink. And drink. Bottoms up!"
Whoa.
About Cornell: according to this studentsguide.com, it is..
a Top 10 Sleep-Deprived School
"Cornell parties extremely hard. On the flip side, we also study extremely hard. We really are a school for academically masochistic students. In between partying and studying, theres almost no time for sleep!"
a Top School for Greek-types:
"Most people go out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, some go out more. Alcohol
is everywhere; you’ll never have to worry whether you’ll be able
to get your hands on a beer or some vodka. Cornell’s Greek scene is
huge and throws most of the good parties on campus, so if being in a fraternity
or sorority isn’t your thing, you’ll still be able to have a social
life, but you really might feel left out. Students who pledge tend to have
more fun at Cornell and get more out of their time here."
a Top 10 Fun Loving School:
"The official word from my school is that most students drink one to three drinks, or no drinks at all, when they party. Sorry, Cornell, I dont think youre pulling anything over on 13,000 of the brightest young minds in the country with that one! Was I hallucinating the other night, or didnt I see three guys pass out while doing a beer bong? Ill tell you the truth, here and now, Cornell students drink. And drink. And drink. Bottoms up!"
Whoa.
-->
i cycle, therefore i am
as the oak grows
the empty
the flying kumquats
prom thing
usc
subtle electric fire
frisbee!!...
holiday stupor
mmm, soup
random holiday update
i 'heart' ultimate
the worth of learning
two weeks
see ya cornell
thoughts on the uni thing
aftermath
Cornell
Shoutbox
this month
quiet night, quiet dinneri cycle, therefore i am
as the oak grows
the empty
the flying kumquats
prom thing
usc
subtle electric fire
frisbee!!...
holiday stupor
mmm, soup
random holiday update
i 'heart' ultimate
the worth of learning
two weeks
see ya cornell
thoughts on the uni thing
aftermath
Cornell
previously
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