unlimited

>Cue melancholic song.
I'm feeling... ugh, don't know quite how to describe how I'm feeling. But I've thought of a way to put it, sorta as a story: I feel like a man sitting in the rain, trying to light a candle. He clicks his weatherproof lighter open (think Constatine =D ), and puts the small flame to the wet wick. It fizzles, then lights briefly. He puts the lighter away, but before it even goes into his pocket the rain has extinguished the small fire. He sighs, and tries again. But no matter how long or hard, it just won't work.

I kinda feel like that, because I'm a follower kind of person. Doesn't make sense? Hold on, it'll get clearer. I want to beef up my uni application, but I'm not a seize the moment and throttle it kind of person. I wait for someone to say, come on, the water's fine. Then I jump in. Problem is, in Malaysia, no one even notices the water. Mixing metaphors around here probably, but anyway. I wish I was a more proactive sort of person. I know wishing won't help, and I try, desperately, to light the fire of my spirit, but... phht.

I have had waaay too much time this weekend, and what do I do? I flush it down the drain... I did study chem, but that didn't last too long. Didn't even touch the other subjects. No math work, ehehe. The extra time really shows. Would've, should've gone to play frisbee at Astaka yesterday, but I arrived rather early, saw the parking lot full of secondary school kids (don'tcha just feel old?) having some sort of sports day, and decided not to get off the car. Bah. My mom was in a hurry, so I didn't wait for Harold's reply. Next week, then. Always next week. Hopefully I can get a decent pair of sports shoes by then =b, all I have now is a pair of dress shoes, a pair of souless-I mean sole-less- old Reeboks, and the pair of shoes I wear to school every day. The latter pair is a sort of trekking pair, really not suitable for running around I think.

In today's news, I finally got around to baking some shortbread cookies, though didn't come out too well. I think I should've added more sugar. They also look deformed I tell ya, and they crumble so easily. Must get rid of them somehow (I am NOT eating them... at least not right now. Maybe when I'm dead =b ). *thinks deviously for a moment* Anybody hungry =D ? Sharing is caring, sort of thing. And one cookie can't possibly hurt. Not too much, anyway.

Or at least, I hope so. After all, I made them =)

Been reading the latest issue of Time, they did a feature on happiness. Nothing really new or surprising, a part of it says how people who expect their lives to get better are generally happier than those whose lives are already better but don't expect it to improve. The most recent Terry Pratchett book I read (his latest, Going Postal) had something to say about hope, as such =). Here's a slightly condensed excerpt of that part, it's from the beginning of the book:

He concentrated his mind on the prospect of removing all the crumbling mortar from around a stone in his cell wall with a spoon. So far the work had taken him five weeks, and reduced the spoon to something like a nail file. Fortunately, no one ever came to change the bedding here, or else they would have discovered the world’s heaviest mattress.

It was the large and heavy stone that was currently the object of his attentions, and at some point a huge staple had been hammered into it as an anchor for manacles.

Moist sat down facing the wall, gripped the iron ring in both hands, braced his legs against the stones on either side, and heaved.

His shoulders caught fire and a red mist filled his vision but the block slid out, with a faint and inappropriate tinkling noise. Moist managed to ease it away from the hole and peered inside.

At the far end was another block, and the mortar around it looked suspiciously strong and fresh.

Just in front of it was a new spoon. It was shiny.

As he studied it, he heard the clapping behind him. He turned his head, tendons twanging a little riff of agony, and saw several of the warders watching him through the bars.

“Well done, Mr Spangler!’ said one of them. ‘Ron here owes me five dollars! I told him you were a sticker! He’s a sticker, I said!’

‘You set this up, did you, Mr Wilkinson?’ said Moist weakly, watching the glint of light on the spoon.

‘Oh, not us, sir. Lord Vetinari’s orders. He insists that all condemned prisoners should be offered the prospect of freedom.’

‘Freedom? But there’s a damn great stone through there!’

‘Yes, there is that, sir, yes, there is that,’ said the warder. ‘It’s only the prospect, you see. Not actual free freedom as such. Hah, that’d be a bit daft, eh?’

‘I suppose so, yes,’ said Moist. He didn’t say ‘you bastards.’ The warders had treated him quite civilly this past six weeks, and he made a point of getting on with people. He was very, very good at it. People skills were part of his stock-in-trade; they were nearly the whole of it.

Besides, these people had big sticks. So, speaking carefully, he added: ‘Some people might consider this cruel, Mr Wilkinson.’

‘Yes, sir, we asked him about that, sir, but he said no, it wasn’t. He said it provided—’ his forehead wrinkled ‘—occ-you-pay-shun-all ther-rap-py, healthy exercise, prevented moping and offered that greatest of all treasures which is Hope, sir.’

‘Hope,’ muttered Moist glumly.

‘Not upset, are you, sir?’

‘Upset? Why should I be upset, Mr Wilkinson?’

‘Only the last bloke we had in this cell, he managed to get down that drain, sir. Very small man. Very agile.’

Moist looked at the little grid in the floor. He’d dismissed it out of hand.

‘Does it lead to the river?’ he said.

The warder grinned. ‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you? He was really upset when we fished him out. Nice to see you’ve entered into the spirit of the thing, sir. You’ve been an example to all of us, sir, the way you kept going. Stuffing all the dust in your mattress? Very clever, very tidy. Very neat. It’s really cheered us up, having you in here.'

I'm probably violating some copyright laws, but anyway. It occured to me that I generally feel more upbeat when at school, or when with friends, as opposed to being at home. At home... there's nothing but the hollow of my mind to contend with. Oh well. At least there's stuff to read =b. Recently: Atlas Shrugged (finished at last!), Going Postal. In the mail today: the week's Time magazine, next month's Technology Review ("MiT's magazine of innovation")... At least it's a weekend =b.

Happiness... well, to me at least, happiness is mainly in little things. Of course, misery comes in little things to, but that's beside the point =b. Seeing the full moon, the stars twinkling gently in the cool night sky... Cycling fast feeling the wind the world fly around... being with friends (and actually coming out of my shell, if not it doesn't count =b )... smelling a burger frying at one of those roadside burger stalls (unhealthy, sure, but I like fried/grilled stuff, so sue me)... having a compassionate ear (I've heard it's good... haven't had enough of this to tell =) actually finishing my homework (while Jor How struggles to solve it... i must be evil =b ). And let's not forget getting a good rest, perchance to dream. Ah, bliss.

(Ack, doesn't the preceding paragraph look just obscene with the amount of parentheses?)

Have a good weekend people =)

I've just finished 3 hours of math work. Woohoo! Semi-productive weekend, I suppose. I didn't study much, but doing homework is a start, considering my track record last year =)

Beyond that, I've been mostly sleeping. Had a long, tiring week of staying up late reading... It's disappointing that I've taken more than a week to finish the book, Atlas Shrugged (I take Hui Ying's mention of it on her blog as a recommendation =b ). Heck, I finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in one day (and don't remember a thing). And that was thick. This is dense... Makes me realise why I don't read so much anymore. I get ObSeSseD =).

The book is somewhat interesting, except when it comes down to the long, long philosphical speechs... The author's previous work, The Fountainhead, is better IMHO. And thinner too, unlike this 3mb monstrosity (1000+ real pages, I think). I'm at the climax now, where there's the really long, tangled statement of the Rand's ideology.

I wrote quite a lot yesterday in the lost entry (bah, I'm writing in notepad from now on) and I don't really feeling like retracing my mental steps... lazy =). The summary of what I wrote is, I don't completely agree with the philosophy of Ayn Rand. It's like one extreme fighting against the other, where one side exalts human ability and only that, and the other side need. In other words, one side says, no free lunch, everything you have must be worked for and earned; likewise you are not expected to sacrifice your life, your mind for others. The other side says (indirectly, through their actions), need is king. The man who tries and succeeds is the slave; the man who tries and fails is the master - because he is needy, therefore the successful one must sacrifice to help him.

I lean towards the camp which says human ability is important, though of course I hardly practice such. I'm lazy lazy lazy =b. Trying to change, but changing oneself takes a very, very long time. Years, sort of thing. Anyway, I appreciate it because, well, it's just. But I don't practice it much because I like free lunches =b (it's when you feel free lunches are a right, are something you deserve, then you're in trouble, I think). That's very common this day and age, it exists in everyone, only to different degrees. Example: pirated CDs. Bill Gates has the right to charge what he will for Windows, because it was his ability that produced it. You pay for his ability, his effort. If you demand he charge less, you violate his ability. What then becomes of yours? If you cannot afford it, then you have no right to it. You trade, in a sense, your ability for his, in the medium of money...

...Bah, so much for summary =b. But that's only as far as I grasp the ideology, which is not very well. And I haven't finished it. I'm thinking of just skipping the tortuous speech that I'm in the middle of... don't understand it either way. Besides, I've got the newest Discworld novel just itching to be read. That, will be fun =). Though it means another few days of late nights and backlog... *sigh* Obsessive reading is a pain. I hardly understand/remember stories because I barrel through them so fast, too. But I like to think of it as cycling (so sue me, I just made the connection; I've always said my mouth (or fingers in this case) is smarter than my brain, because through nonstop talking or typing, sensible things I didn't know I knew pop out). Cycling is one of my pleasures in life, and cycling fast feels great, even if I miss the scenery (lots of it in TTDI =D ). Reading fast, I feel a sense of exhiliration. The story unfolds naturally in my mind. In the end I forget most of it, but it was an amazing ride all the same. Whee... =) Though it means I hardly learn much from reading (novels, I mean), because I do it for pleasure and not for self-improvement.

And I think that's about it for now... Nice, long rambling post to make up for the week of silence, hehe. Time to get back to my book, I suppose. Oh yes, I guess I should mention: had an enjoyable night yesterday, watched Constatine with Phoebe and Shea Kang, then had dinner with them at Vietnamese Kitchen (weird food! augh! but there was fried rice, *phew*). While watching I wondered about reality, wondered, 'What if all this were true??' I wish I didn't have such a mind as bothers me about these things and the nature of reality.

If you've got too much time, take a look at this site. Apologetics.com is one site I used to look through a lot... Good stuff. And from another site (that I didn't really look through):

If a person opposes even the possibility of there being a God, then any evidence can be rationalized or explained away. It is like if someone refuses to believe that people have walked on the moon, then no amount of information is going to change their thinking. Satellite footage of astronauts walking on the moon, interviews with the astronauts, moon rocks...all the evidence would be worthless, because the person has already concluded that people cannot go to the moon.

That's an interesting thought. BTW, the fourth argument from that site is something I've read in C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity, a very good book IMHO. Christianity reduced to its simplest form.

To be honest though, I'd rather push stuff like this aside and out of my head and lose myself in this world than keep worrying about the next...

Mood: grumpy, cynical.
I think I've had enough of introspective posts for a while... cuts too close to the core, and I can't say I'm too comfortable with that.

Anyhow, I'm not feeling too great, for a whole variety of reasons... First of all, I need a chair for my desk, and hopefully a new desk as well. But my mom says, you want a desk? I'll get you one if you decide to do twinning. Bah. If I don't get one I just might have to do twinning =b. Need. Place. To. Do. Work. Rrrgh! Currently, the only other sort-of suitable places in the house are my brother's desk (in his room, no less), the computer table (assuming the room is open, and if I take off the keyboard, though studying in front of the com is past impossible), or the dining table... Gah. Got 24 graphs or so to finish by Monday... Unless I feel particularly anarchist, hehe. I paid 7k to learn, not to get a load of work I could find in a rm70 (okay, rm65. but close enough) maths text book.

Beyond that, there's just the fact of the com room being locked... *siiigh*. There's so much I could do on the com, but instead I'm twiddling my thumbs in my room, on my bed. No chair to the desk, remember? It's either lie down or stand up.

Interrobang is... well, I can't think of anything funny. Seems like my funny bone up and died. (Luckily I have two... I hope). No energy to think of funny articles. The last time I started a magazine... I had a good friend to help. *sigh* Going it alone is hard, the hardest thing in the world, because when you fall, there's no one to pick you up (unless you've got schizophrenia and them voices in your head). Ow... my lame attempts at humour are flopping. Bah.

So bored... so I've been reflectemplating (reflect + contemplating), sort of thing. With luck I won't get repetitious in my entries, I tend to in my own journals =b, because usually I think about the same things over and over and over again (talk about a one-track mind).

Today's particular train of thought was how the length of knowing some one hardly makes much difference in terms of friendship. It shouldn't matter too much, I concur, I just feel it's a pity that friendships can plateau so easily, at any given level... So much for a quote I once read: "Friends are lights in winter; the older the friend, the brighter the light".

For instance, I've known Joel rather long (since Form 1), but 'know' is so loose a term. 'Know' in this case just some one that's agreeable to talk to. Beyond that, I hardly know all that much about him. Ditto for many others... It's a superficial knowing on many accounts, on my part. Oddly enough, the one person I knew most about, I don't, not anymore... Hm. How things change, eh?

In more recent years, I've figured out friendships take a lot of effort to maintain and to cultivate... and I'm the lazy sort =b. But I'm inclined to think that real, deep friendships are the most amazing thing on earth. You know, the kind of friendships where talking is secondary and not too necessary. Where a third thing isn't required for both to divert attention to. Where the question is never 'Is anything wrong?' but 'What is wrong?' (in a figurative, symbolic sense). "[A] friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and can face us with the reality of powerlessness..." said someone once.

Thing is, in our world today, deep friendships are hard to come by. With members of the same gender, there's the tendency for others to think 'gay' and stuff. With members of the opposite gender, rumours of love and attachment inevitably arise, and physical attraction gets in the way. There's no easy place in between acquaintanceship and love, is there? If there is I sure haven't found it yet =b. Social misfit, is that the word for me?

Anyhow, here's a beautiful thought I read somewhere once, though it is a bit alien to our tropical weather:

"With the falling of leaves, the mask of green are stripped off the hillsides, revealing the diversity and uniqueness of each ridge and valley, rock and stream, old shed or oil well hitherto unseen. It is in the winter, when the hills bare their innermost selves, that we get to know them. Then, in the spring, when the mask returns, we can look at the hills as old friends few people understand.
"So it is with people. Most of the time, we wear our masks. But during our difficult times, during the winters of our lives, we shed our facades and reveal all the intricacies of the unique beings we are. It is in these moments that friendships are formed, and we experience one another as few others ever will."

I'll probably talk about love some other time =b . Got quotes on that, too. I like these sort of quotes because they are like poetic snapshots of life (mixed metaphors, but there what do I care?).

Last thought: Isn't it funny how we talk least of the things we think of most? This lack impoverishes our conversations, and, ultimately, our lives as well.

That's just my point of view.

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone =) . It's that time of year again... That time of year where I spend a few days in the blistering heat of my grandparents' home in Chemor. That time of year where I am forced to eat weird Chinese food (this year I actually wasn't too antagonistic about it... I blame Pangkor =). There are some things stronger than personal taste (though not many things) ). That time of year where all the channels are filled with Chinese shows I don't understand a bit. And, that time of year where people give me money for nothing =D. Haha!

I don't really have much to say, since I'm somewhat tired from the 2hr ride back. I'm just glad that the trip was shorter this year, and for the first time we slept over at a hotel instead =). I remember last year I camped up in my mom's MPV and couldn't sleep for fireworks. Don't get me wrong, my grandparents are okay, just that they only speak Canton (when they actually speak at all) and I don't). The night is quiet (and too warm for comfort)... *sigh* Not to mention boring. Can't wait for college to break the monotony of the holidays, and the silence... I hardly get out during any hols in general. I'm not saying I hols are bad though: I need them to break from the stress of college =).

Here's a sneak preview of one of the articles I wrote for Interrobang (version 0.25, I think). It's the one that finally won Chi Yao over =D. And it's something lighthearted, unlike the previous two posts of today). Enjoy (and do tell me if you think a magazine of similar nonsense will sell well). And it's pronounced Feng Phoo-ey, FYI.

Feng Fui For Students

This week in FFFS, we explore how to increase your good fortune in your studies at college.

You don’t need much, but it is highly definitely very strongly recommended you purchase Gillian Glee’s Patented Original Replica of a Frog Impersonating Elvis (item code #10244 at Gillian Glee’s Feng Fui Emporium outlets nation wide).

Frog Impersonating Elvis should be placed upon your study desk, facing you directly as you study. If you find this disturbing you can, alternatively, have it facing Feng Fui North, unless you were born in the year of the Roasted Tomato, in which case it should be turned 21°15’ due west.

Make sure Frog Impersonating Elvis is happy by sprinkling sugar water on it each morning at 5.23am, and wiping it off only at 6.47am. If you are off by more than 5 seconds, you must appease Frog Impersonating Elvis by playing one of Elvis Presley’s songs repeatedly for 8 hours.

Frog Impersonating Elvis will gradually release the pure Fui energy it absorbed from the sugar water towards you as you study before it. As everyone knows pure Fui energy is most easily obtained from Gillian Glee’s Optimized Glucose Enhanced Water (rm59.99 per 50ml bottle), which has added benefits over normal sugar water.

If you decide not to buy the rm299.99 sculpture guaranteed to bring good fortune, you do have one alternative. This method is NOT recommended. It is as follows:

Take a small glass jar and fill it with water. Put the shredded remains of one onion inside. Add sugar and stir well. Leave this potent Feng Fui mix on your desk and stir it gently every day. It’s non-directional Fui release means you do not get the full benefits, but in a pinch it should do, until you can afford Gillian Glee’s Patented Original Replica of a Frog Impersonating Elvis.

Article courtesy of Gillian Glee, owner of Gillian Glee’s Feng Fui Emporium

It's never a good idea to look back at lost opportunities, but... I was reading about AFS (American Field Service) in the newspapers today (Star Education, under the guise of ABM). All the questions and the worries flooded back after two months of silence...

I had the chance, yannow, to go to America, to go to Aus. First I got New York state, not exactly New York, New York, maybe a couple hundred km from it, but still America. Then I learnt that US immigration is weird in that if I apply for the particular visa necessary, I won't be able to return for two years once I come back, barring special exemption from the policy (which is never a given).

Then there was Aus... some unspecified place (or I've just forgot =b ). But by this time all my worries and my hesitations finally took their toll, came to a point. I was tired of the struggle to make it somehow fit, and throughout applying, from the very first interview, already had reservations about the whole thing. The struggle finally culminated in some arguments with my mom ("I'll go since you're not willing to spend money on me any other way," "If that's the case then I'm not letting you go!" "But you were the one who asked me to sign up in the first place!!"), and I dropped out of the whole thing. *sigh*

There were a lot of close calls, a lot narrowly reached deadlines, but ultimately... it wasn't them that made the decision. My mom's still mad at me because she lost rm3k on it (first installment, after I passed the interviews and they were looking for a host family), even though they were technically (well, as far as I can tell) supposed to return it.

But despite all that... I do wonder how it would've been. If there weren't the spectre of applying to uni and stuff, if my life was really truly free from mental blocks and fixed mindsets (mostly my own), I would've gone, and for better or worse had a really unique experience. Would I have liked it? Would it be as I thought it would be? It's a rare opportunity, to be sure. It would've given me an unparalleled view of how people around my age live in another society so utterly different. Movies and all tell what people expect, not what is.

*sigh*... For better or worse I'm at Taylor's, stuck as stuck can be in place run by rich grasping greedy people who don't care so much about the students as about keeping a reputation and meeting standards and performing well for the shareholders. Might be a few anomalies, but they're certainly not the norm. People in control, they're the grasping ones. Though I grant that I might see much of the same anywhere else in the world.

A brief mention of another missed chance, though this was not by choice: Uplands, International School of Penang. I wonder (well, not so much anymore, because I'm so busy with so much else) whether the atmosphere there would be less of the "for the good of the shareholders" sort of thing, and more for the "glories of a well rounded education". I think that would've been exceedingly fun, though exceedingly expensive as well despite the scholarship. I heard from one of the two people who got it (and refused it and is now at Taylor's, bah) that they only offered a 50% scholarship on tuition fees, not inclusive of boarding (which is more than the tuition fees even without the scholarship).

I guess the acceptance is coming, building up walls around the emotions, allowing me to get on with my life. And those walls are largely done, I've not thought about AFS for a while. It's just the article in the newspaper today that punched a hole through the wall, released a stream of curious regret.

Been reading one of the Thinking Skills textbooks... something in it by a guy named Richard Dawkins. It's passage 57 of Critical Thinking: An Introduction if anyone is interested.

Anyway, the guy goes on about how the existence of God is improbable, like Santa Clause or the tooth fairy, because if there was a God, He would have to be an extremely intelligent superbeing, and the odds of that happening are extremely low. Thus, it is better not to believe in God, because it is so improbable. Besides, he says, it doesn't really any worthwhile explanation to anything, and it raises a bigger mystery than it solves.

Hm. I might not be worthy of the appelation 'Christian' anymore, but... it is comforting to know that there is a God, to know there is someone watching over you. To completely accept atheism (not just agnosticism, mind you), means to demolish every reason for sane human behaviour. To accept atheism, is to accept that there is no reason to exist, to do anything. That life is simply the whim of several billion molecules to be you for a while (an infinitely tiny speck of time along the great background of eternity, too, mind you). Any hope of human significance is completely, utterly wiped out.

I don't think I could take that. Sure, I've felt the moments where my sense seem to go beyond the sensible and I lose a sense of self, but to always live in such a state to lose any hope of peace. God may or may not exist, but it helps to believe He does. Because then it is perhaps possible to hope that our end is not just total obliteration. Can you imagine not existing? Can you imagine the world as it is not existing? But that's all to possible if God doesn't.

What I believe... is that there is a God. The results of that belief are rather inconsequential. It is enough to believe that there is a God, even if I don't think about Him most of the time. Only when the darkness and the silence of the universe seems to press down upon my mind, when all is quiet and there's no one around but me and the echoes of thoughts bouncing around in my head, do I really think about Him. And above all else, I want God to exist. I couldn't bear the alternative.

It's not about doing good, it's not about burning all sorts of weird foul smelling stuff. It's not so much about the way we live. For me, it is more about giving me a reason to go on living. Hell, I suspect, is easier to comprehend than non-existence. Non-existence may be the true horror... To be tortured, but to know simultaneously you still are... that might be enough. Though in all honesty Christianity is a lot blurrer than that, there are so many different camps like Arminianism and Calvinism and whatnot. One of them believes that punishment in Hell is not forever, the other does, I think (that's not their main point of contention, it's just one of them). One says you get burnt for a while, then you're obliterated. The other says forever. Besides that there's a lot of messy stuff about predestination and free will and stuff, but I don't think I want to particularly go into it.

Well, if anyone wonders what I do at home considering I don't have Astro, don't have access to the com most days, hardly exercise, hardly read (nowadays, anyway), then there's your answer. I peer into the depths of my soul, search the darkness behind my eyes, and wonder whether tomorrow is worth the effort.

Okay, so I don't really think about it all the time. It's particularly when I feel down, or when I haven't been getting enough social contact. =b. Then my mind starts to stew and the thoughts I don't even know belong to me or not rise up from the inner deeper darkness of my mind... Brr. It's terrible being alone. Not solitude, yannow, but being alone, feeling detached from the human race, sort of thing. Makes me want to really find a girl (haha, yes, I have a working adrenal gland =) ) I can worry about this with, can peer into infinity with, when the darkness and the silence step slowly and soundlessly into the cavern of my mind.

Brr... And to think I wanted to make more optimistic posts. Comments are welcome =)

Drumroll, please! Hehe, oh well. The scores are in! And whoo, they're rather unexpected =b. Not in a good way exactly, but still, they're decent. I got 690 for Verbal and 780 for Math =O.

I didn't quite expect to get so high for Math, and so low for Verbal (bah!) . It was supposed to be the other way around... But I think I shall resit the paper. See how things go. 690 really isn't too bad, but I don't like it. It feels like getting a 60+ on an ENGLISH paper, boohoo =). Only thing hurt is my pride I guess.

On the other hand, Math is great! 780... whoo!

'Nuff said. About the SAT anyway, 'coz this week's not been entirely uneventful. Let's see, I gave the class the 'flu for Chinese New Year >). Phang Kit got it, Harold got it, and some others I forgot. And it's just the beginning *evil laughter*. Or it would be if we had school next week. Sadly, people will probably recover over next week... Bah. So much for my in-flu-enze (where didja think the word came from anyway?).