unlimited

College kicks off again tomorrow. At last. The holidays have been kinda mind numbing. I never know what to do with my time. I had to go out, get some fresh, rain-cleaned air just now to clear my mind. It's been put aside for much of the two weeks and strange fuzzy green things are starting to grow in septic corners.

I was playing the piano again today (yes, I CAN play, though I use a very loose definition of "play" =) ), and I realised how much I enjoyed it. I took lessons for a brief while, I think from early Form 4 to mid last year (reason for quitting: SPM, plus after one year, while my theory had reached grade 5, my practical was still grade 1. Go figure). Mind is a blurrie thing. Anyway, I might not have the prowess of all you grade 8 people out there reading this, but still, I do enjoy it... the guitar doesn't seem to compare to it. The piano sounds more, well, more melancholy, more grand. The guitar is like an excited squeaky teenager high on something (like helium, maybe), while the piano more resembles a wise white-bearded old man with a deep, resonating voice and twinkly intelligent eyes. Maybe anthropomorphizing instruments is a pretty irrelevant thing to do, but humour me, alright? Playing the piano let's my consciousness just drift along on the music, floating without a care in the world. It's magical, it is. Not just listening, but actually causing it, translating notes to music and stuff.

I do wish I didn't give it up, but there's no time for regrets. I want to go on learning (life is too short, after all), but there are already so many things clamouring for my attention. Maybe in the not too distant future... Hm. It'll take a lot of effort, and I'm at a point where I don't know how much I can give. Low energy state, sort of thing. SAT, class tests, stuff... all taking a chunk out of me. And I've got nowhere to lay my head. *sigh* Wish I had a true friend I could talk honestly to... Some people do come close, but none I can be utterly honest to, none who will give kind, wise knowing counsel. I expect too much, perhaps. Can anyone actually live up to all the standards I have, and still be my friend? But I hope for such a one, eventually. Someday.

I think once upon a time God had a conversation with Satan that went something like this.
God: We shalt destroy thy city of sin, Satan, for it is an affront to Us.
Satan: (worried) Hey, chill, big daddy, it's cool, they just havin' the time of their lives, that's all.
God: They have forgotten Us. We shalt smiteth them to fine dust with the fires of Our wrath.
Satan: Let's talk this over, my man.
God: (thunders) We are NOT "your man". Thou shalt COWER before Us, serpent. The city Sodom must be obliterated into itty-bitty pieces.
Satan: Well, if you're going to be so uppity about it... couldn't you at least give me something for it? I mean, it was a lot of work you know, the whole Sodom job.
God: We will give you... Math.
Satan: Math? What do you mean math? There's nothing soul-wrecking about Math! No, wait!
[A distant 'fwoomph' is heard, like the atoms of many buildings and people suddenly and spontaneously decided they weren't for the whole 'togetherness' thing and it was time to go their own seperate ways.]

Disclaimer: I mean no offence to anyone by that made-up (if you hadn't realised this, you need to have your sense of humour checked by a certified practitioner) dialogue, I just dislike Maths. Specifically, Maths that I can't solve but can easily understand the solution to, once I see it. D*mn Euclid! *sigh* Yes, I am quite stressed out over it. It's ruining my life I tell ya. I never work this hard >_<. And with so little to show. Oh well, one more day...

Quick update: I just finished watching Lost in Translation, and I think it's a pretty good show. It's about these two people, one an actor and the other the wife of a photographer, who happen to be in Japan. They happen to stay at the same hotel, and naturally connect with each other, because they each recognise that common thread of loneliness in the other. The actor is having a sort of mid-life crisis, his wife doesn't seem to need him anymore, his kids are getting used to him to being around; the girl appears to be mostly ignored by her husband of two years, especially as he's always busy and stuff.

I liked the show because it seems to say, whoever you are, wherever you are, you're not alone in what you are feeling. There is someone who understands, someone who cares, someone in the same situation. It's not about figuring out a solution, but about having someone who understands.

I have decided to call the Society of Creative Arts... (drumroll, please)... The Chelonian! Why? Well, there are certainly reasons for NOT calling it the Society of Creative Arts. That was just a boring formal typical name I chose for the sake of avoiding the necessary mental effort of conjuring up a decent name. And now we can use green as an official colour =D.

After much thinking (well, actually searching through obscure C words. Yes, it's 'thinking'. Don't give me that look) I decided that The Chelonian would make a good name. Only God knows why I bother, because to me the club is dead. Come on, during the second unoffical meeting (on Monday, eating away into my holidays no less), there was a 4:1 Chinese to English speaking people ratio. I was definitely in a minority of one. And being ignored. *dramatic sigh* They don't know what sparks of genius they're missing, I'm telling ya =).

Anyway, Keat Wei willing, I will christen the club 'The Chelonians'. Come on, calling ourselves 'SCA-ites' is definitely a bad branding decision. Now we can call ourselves the Turtles. Or the Tortoise. Or the Terrapins. Or the Shelled Amphibians. You get the idea. Besides 'SCA' sounds like a permanent bodily disfigurement, and 'Society of the Creative Arts' is 10 syallables, if I count correct. Looks impressive, maybe, but can you imagine societyofthecreativesarts@gmail.com? Or societyofthecreativearts.blogspot.com? Not that there are plans for putting the club online, but we must be prepared for every eventuality. Including world domination (though in this case cutting it to 'The Society' would have a hopefully dark and mysterious ring to it).

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, 'Chelonian' is something like 'feline', except it refers to turtles (or tortoises, or something like that. So sue me.) Time to design another logo, methinks. Though I've absolutely no idea how to go about it. On the other hand, I've a splendid idea (that I stole from Terry Pratchett) for a secret society gesture: make a fist with your left hand and place the right on top of it. Wiggle your right hand's fingers. Voila, tortoise! How cool is that?!!

Sadly I don't think that will catch on though. What an awful shame it is too. A great unhappifying doubleplusungood thing don't you think? At least we can comfort ourselves with our stunning turtle motif shirts (pre-order yours today!). Turtles (and tortoises and terrapins etc) symbolise steadfastness, patience, erm... good-to-eat-ness? Well, no one bothers about symbolism anyway. It's for the books. What matters is... it looks good on a shirt. Definitely the most important thing. Branding, marketing, what-have-you. Would Nike have gotten anywhere if they didn't plaster the swoosh on everything? The logo will practically sell itself I tell ya. Just wait for it. Like a tortoise. It will come. It will be great. It will be green. It will rock your world. Or at least nudge it slightly (tortoises are not know for speed).

Anyway, enough nonsense for now. Sift through and see if you can figure out where I was actually being somewhat serious.

ps. So I said "if any of you readers are expecting cheerful humorous posts, I would advise you to go elsewhere for now. For the next 5 years. Better yet, 10." So I lied. So sue me. Point is sometimes we have to laugh or we'll cry. Yesterday, things got bad at home. Very bad. But I'm going to sweep that into the closet with my other skeletons and keep it quiet. I wonder if the sum to infinity (i.e. if this sweeping and suppression goes on indefinitely) of this is psychosis? Hm.

Groan... if any of you readers are expecting cheerful humorous posts, I would advise you to go elsewhere for now. For the next 5 years. Better yet, 10. Assuming my blog is still around, my mood should pick up noticeably by then =).

Let's see if I can remember the comment my mom made earlier today... "If you want to learn anything, you can do it when you earn your own money." How's that for parental motivation? I think the great parent is the one who says, "You too can achieve greatness. You might be the next Shakespeare, Beethoven, or Einstein." The parent who believes in his/her child (but of course, is not blind to reality either). *sigh*

Yannow, that's why I don't know whether I should ever have kids... I don't think I could give them all that I believe I should be able to. I don't think I could be a good parent (regardless of the personality test =P ). I'm not patient enough, not caring enough, not loving enough...

For many of the same reasons I've not gotten into a relationship, and from where I stand now, probably never will. "She whom I love, I wish her to be free - even from me."

It's a cold world out there, though. And the standards I set for myself don't help. I want excellence; but I am mediocre in many ways. I don't have the patience to achieve excellence, I think. Procrastinate too much, besides.

Anyway, the world is unkind, uncaring, and that's why I must forge my heart of steel, that I may stand alone, and neither care too much nor love too much. I must harden my heart, be iron hard, and not feel too much. If only I could let work be my all consuming passion, in a way like Ayn Rand's heroes. At any rate, I'm kinda lousy at being a friend >_<. No effervescence, hardly any enthusiasm, rather emotioneless, all the charisma of a wet bush... I'm also terribly childish, and growing worse by the day.

If only recognising our problems were the hardest step. But there's so much I need to work on, and it'll take a horribly long time. I don't know if I'll ever become the person I intend to be...

For now, everything this darkness and gloom seizes me, I just go out and take a nice long cycle... it's even better after a rain. *sigh*

Argh, I never learn... I spent an hour writing an entry, and pressed publish, and then this screen came up, asking me to sign in again. I did, and got the dashboard. Groan. Blogger is at least trying to come up with a solution, they implemented a recover posts thingy a couple days ago, but had to take it down. Bah.

Anyway, the bulk of that time was spent staring at the screen wondering what to write. I've been thinking of this post for a long time, thinking about the stuff I might put in. I'd still like to put it in, but... Too much, too deep to the heart, too long ago in some cases (a few days = enough time for things to change).

It has been a rather crummy week, which I'm glad is over. The long overdue hols are here at last. And though I was kinda looking to today with some reservation, it has been a rather good start. I spent the crummy week wondering how today might be, but it has been fine.

I don't want to talk much the week, but I will mention some stuff. Like how my modem burned. My expensive camera quit on me (and the warranty card is missing). I had to replace the modem with my own cash because my parents wouldn't. There was the Moral test. Frisbee today was cancelled. There was the Taylor's scholarship thing yesterday, which made me feel kinda anarchist. I dislike coercive authority, pushy authority. Maybe it's just the rebellious teen in me speaking though.

Besides that, another couple of things happened yesterday, both somewhat related. First was my cranky maths teacher/mentor (person in charge of the class) giving out these forms to fill in to get our testimonial from him who hardly knows me. Taylor's policy or something. Bah. Defeats the purpose of a testimonial, which is to give an insight into someone's character. My feelings are kinda along the lines of, "I do not recognise your authority to write my testimonial for neither did I grant it nor was it yours to take."

The second thing was more upbeat. It was someone I respect, telling me I have potential, that I'll do well. Kind thought. It's hard to be sure sometimes... SO many pangs of self-doubt and stuff, all coexisting with a sort of stony steel-ness that says I will succeed, because I know I can. One pathetic example of self-doubt is: disliking my voice. For no reason in particular I recorded it with my T2, played it back. I sound like I've a lisp (do I? I don't know). And I sing horribly. I think I'll never fare well in the performing arts =). Just as well I never tried.

The other more serious sort of self-doubt is love. Well, not really doubt. Just a sort of low-key worry. I've never been one to act on love... *sigh* I don't know how to, besides. Don't really feel like having someone love me as a sort of reaction to my love. Always loved from afar...

Know what Neil Gaiman said about it? He said, "Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

I don't hate it, I think it can be wonderful. But I also know that it's rather beyond my grasp, existing only in my dreams. Sweet are those dreams, and they are all I have of it. Someone once said "The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting beside you and knowing you can't have them." But perhaps just being able to sit next to the one and see her, is enough. Hm.

Someone else said, "To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be." I agree. Perhaps that is the essence of true love...

*sigh*. Anyway. More about today, it has turned out okay. No frisbee, but I went to 1U, had an rm20 sandwich, watched White Noise (wasn't looking forward to it, I'm not a fan of the horror genre (I see no point in spooking myself out), but it kinda lost its eerieness with Harold's wacko comments). After that there was a pleasant afternoon spent talking at my place, with the company of Harold, Phang Kit, Phoebe, and Hui Ying (and her brother for some reason). A lot of talk, I didn't really say much (as usual), but it was pleasant.

And now it's night, and I'm here at my com... This post is longer than I thought it would be =/ Well, here's to getting work done these hols. Enjoy yourselves, those of you who are off this week too =).

Last bit: "And Pooh gave Christopher Robin the biggest Pooh hug he could give because he knew that goodbyes were not far away." Isn't that nice?

You know what the trouble is with having power 1000 (I haven't figured the conversion to diopters...) eyesight is? You can't tell when the barber is doing something fishy with your hair... It only gets worse if the only common language is BM, and he speaks that badly, and he's not too bright to begin with. Bah. I feel like Samson (of biblical fame). Let the growing begin =)

In other news... been a tiring day, I tell ya. I woke up early, about 7-ish, went for a jog around ttDi. Perfect weather too, or maybe it was just early. I had frisbee at 9, I think that was the most fun I've had all day =b. Really tiring, but fun. In the evening, after my horrible (but cheap) haircut at Lake Club, I played an hour of bad tennis with Christopher, an ex-classmate a few years back at CHS. Bad indeed =), but my lessons have been erratic, to say the least.

That's left me fantastically sore all over. Not a particularly good thing, considering there's so much coming up. Moral test next week, with my cranky maths teacher invigilating. Physics test next Friday, looking forward to that somewhat (for some twisted sadistic reason no doubt, knowing me =P ). There's also a stupid maths competition to prepare for (not hopeful at all, considering the practice I've put in. Not even a Further Maths student, I), and the SAT's looming again. No time to think about even learning to drive, though I'd like to take lessons.

Busy busy busy... but it's a good sort of busy I supposed. Today's busy is hopefully a portent of a more active lifestyle (I'm browning all over already... I was sitting next to a Malay in the bus today and realised my skin was as dark as his... hm.) And work is... good. Work is what we were born for, innit? At any rate it focuses the mind and shuts out the world.

I've been thinking about college and general uni education. I realise that I expect it to change me into a sort of all rounded person, and I can only achieve that if I go to a good place. But it has changed me, I think, more by simply existing and giving a reason to step outside what is comfortable and familiar. If I am to change, what matters more are the choices I make, not what the world tells me to do.

Conclusion? Don't worry too much about where I get into for college. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the ride. Dare to do more, to be more, to know more. Yeah... Life is what we make of it. I think I'm going to try to stop worrying so much =).

PS. What do you think of this logo I designed? Nice to know I haven't lost my graphic design skills =). The smaller one is for when the ring isn't convenient.