unlimited

Groan... if any of you readers are expecting cheerful humorous posts, I would advise you to go elsewhere for now. For the next 5 years. Better yet, 10. Assuming my blog is still around, my mood should pick up noticeably by then =).

Let's see if I can remember the comment my mom made earlier today... "If you want to learn anything, you can do it when you earn your own money." How's that for parental motivation? I think the great parent is the one who says, "You too can achieve greatness. You might be the next Shakespeare, Beethoven, or Einstein." The parent who believes in his/her child (but of course, is not blind to reality either). *sigh*

Yannow, that's why I don't know whether I should ever have kids... I don't think I could give them all that I believe I should be able to. I don't think I could be a good parent (regardless of the personality test =P ). I'm not patient enough, not caring enough, not loving enough...

For many of the same reasons I've not gotten into a relationship, and from where I stand now, probably never will. "She whom I love, I wish her to be free - even from me."

It's a cold world out there, though. And the standards I set for myself don't help. I want excellence; but I am mediocre in many ways. I don't have the patience to achieve excellence, I think. Procrastinate too much, besides.

Anyway, the world is unkind, uncaring, and that's why I must forge my heart of steel, that I may stand alone, and neither care too much nor love too much. I must harden my heart, be iron hard, and not feel too much. If only I could let work be my all consuming passion, in a way like Ayn Rand's heroes. At any rate, I'm kinda lousy at being a friend >_<. No effervescence, hardly any enthusiasm, rather emotioneless, all the charisma of a wet bush... I'm also terribly childish, and growing worse by the day.

If only recognising our problems were the hardest step. But there's so much I need to work on, and it'll take a horribly long time. I don't know if I'll ever become the person I intend to be...

For now, everything this darkness and gloom seizes me, I just go out and take a nice long cycle... it's even better after a rain. *sigh*