unlimited

Followed a link on some site to this 20 questions place which supposedly analyses your personality. Never been given to such things, but there's a first for everything.

This is what I got:

You are a WRCF--Wacky Rational Constructive Follower.You are unflappable and largely unconcerned with others' reactions to you. You were not particularly interested in the results of this test, and probably took it only as a result of someone else asking you to.

You have a biting wit and intense powers of observation. No detail is lost on you, and your friends know it--relying on you to have the facts when others express only opinions. You are even-tempered, friendly, and educated. Foolish strangers may mistake your mildness for weakness--they will be surprised.

You entire approach to life is enviable. You will raise good kids.

Ehehe, I like the sound of that. Though honestly speaking, I was (very very slightly) more Destructive:

You are a WRDF--Wacky Rational Destructive Follower.

Your thirst for knowledge can be damaging to your possessions--you like to take things apart, even if you then forget to put them back together. You demand respect and, no matter how much you are respected, seldom feel it is adequate. You are tenacious, and will stick to a task long after weaker minds have given it up.

Socially, you are awkward, and get into arguments and make people uncomfortable. One recommends counting to ten, holding back comments unless warranted, and listening more than speaking. Still, your no-holds-barred approach to socialization can be strangely endearing, as long as you are funny and self-deprecating.

You feel misunderstood, and you probably are.

"Strangely endearing"? Bah =). Biting wit is more like it, though I think I should scale down the wackiness =b. If anyone's interested go here and do post your result here with the comment link below this post. Anyone get "Menace to Society" (Wacky Emotional Destructive Follower)?

Check out http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html. It's an amusing read =).

Call me lazy, but I won't be making another phenomenally long post this weekend, I think. For one thing, coming up with stuff to write takes energy, and I'm pretty much sapped. Had my writing fix already: an essay for a competition, deadlined today. I procrastinated much of the way, until last night, when I had my surge of power sort of thing.

Initially I was planning to write about vanity, but like I said, I don't have the energy. Next time perhaps... it's not really important. And to make up for the lack of a post, here's that essay I wrote. Not perfect, IMHO, but hopefully I'll win something or another (if the email got through okay):

A person’s characteristics and tastes are often very revealing. Though we may not like it, they speak volumes about our personalities, our education, our friends. Perhaps most importantly, they speak of where we are from. The thick German accent, the quaint ‘Manglish’ chatter, the rapid Japanese tongue: all these conspicuously indicate the country of our birth, our motherland. Only the sly and artful can disguise these with ease; the rest of us are open books to the careful eye. We are the products of the land we grew up in, and bear its mark on our foreheads.

The wise wear this mark with pride and without shame. They feel no need to hide it or to disguise it, as many do who forsake their homelands. Pity them who have no land to call their own, but scorn them who hate their country of birth through and through. The love for one’s country should be as natural as the love for one’s parents. This sort of patriotism I speak of is not the roaring pride for the accomplishments for one’s country mind you, but a love that transcends politics and achievements. It is a patriotism that says: for better or for worse I love my country, because I belong to it. Not because ‘I agree with the ideology of the ruling party’, which might change in time, nor because ‘Its people are of my race’, which is often not entirely true, but because ‘I was born here.’ We do not apologise for our race, so why should we try to justify our love for our country? “Because it is mine,” is all the reason we need.

The place I call my own is Malaysia. I love my country unabashedly. Do I love everything about it? To answer ‘yes’ would be a lie. No country is perfect. But from this patriotism, comes appreciation of all the good in it. Love by its nature creates reasons, justifications for itself. Patriotism is love, and as such I have learnt to appreciate that which is admirable about Malaysia.

For example, it is hard to imagine a lack of choice when it comes to dining in Malaysia. In fact, my problem is usually indecision stemming from an overabundance of choices. For starters, there is traditional Malay, Chinese, and Indian fare. Of course, this is speaking broadly, as the style of cooking varies a lot from state to state and the specific ancestry of people. From the north western island of Penang we have Hokkien mee; from Sarawak, laksa and that sushi with an attitude, umai; from Malacca we have Peranakan cuisine, a sort of fusion of Malay and Chinese food. Besides local food, there is, naturally, Western fare. Other Asian dishes find their way in through the myriad of Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Korean, and assorted specialty restaurants. It is a gastronomical delight for the gourmet and mealtime fun for the rest of us, for the half the fun of eating is in the choosing, after all.

Another bit of Malaysia I love is the ease of ‘getting away from it all’. There might not be vast grassy plains, awesome mountain ranges, or anything remotely to do with snow, but Malaysia definitely does not have a shortage of vacation locations. These make for really enjoyable holidays. One particularly exhilarating trip I took was to the highest point of South East Asia, Low’s Peak. At more than 4000m high, climbing Mount Kinabalu in Sabah was truly an unforgettable, breathtaking experience, with certificate to boot. Can you even begin to imagine the sheer, unadulterated joy of reaching the chilly, barren peak at 5am in the morning and watching the sun seemingly rise up from the ocean? More typical holidays are weekend jaunts to one of the many islands of Peninsular Malaysia. Many a lazy weekend has been spent with close friends in budget hotels on various islands hardly a day away from home, laughing at our own jokes and walking around nearby 5 star hotels for a taste of opulence.

Of course, I must not fail to mention that ubiquitous haunt of Malaysians everywhere: the shopping mall. Developers trip over themselves in their race to build newer, larger shopping centres. Near where I live, there used to be only one small mall. In time it doubled its size by taking over the abandoned parking lot next door. During the upgrade two more shopping centres sprouted up nearby, along with a huge Tesco supermarket and a massive Ikea store. It is my theory that without malls, the nation’s economy would collapse, paving the way to anarchy. After all, without shopping centres to hold all our materialistic dreams in one place, we would be like boats without a rudder.

However, no country is a paradise. Do not think that the love I hold for my country is blind. In fact, love often helps us to see the object of love more perfectly, more clearly. Because it knows more, it is also willing to forgive more. Among my country’s sins are pettiness, selfishness, and foolishness. These are the seemingly unassailable roots of the Malaysia’s ills. It is my enduring dream that one day Malaysia will be lead by wise, just leaders, who will bring Malaysia to greater glory. I acknowledge that even the best of countries have trouble finding such people; nevertheless, one must not stop dreaming and seeking because one thinks the dream is impossible. As Louisa May Alcott said, “Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they may lead.”

Education plays an undeniably important role to this end. While Malaysia’s education system is reasonable, it could be better still. Else, why do students flock to private universities and colleges after completing the requisite 11 years of government-sponsored education? Why do they neglect the optional 6^th Form? Speaking as a student, it is because too much emphasis is placed upon rote learning, and not enough on the thirst for knowledge. Moreover, subjects like History and Moral Studies are unnecessary burdens to students, the one because the same subject matter is repeated relentless for 11 years, the other because it reduces morality to simple answers. I believe that to truly educate the youth, government schools must instil in students the lifelong love for knowledge and foster inquiring, questioning minds. We must teach the youth how to fish, so to speak.

In fact, I dream of the successful education of all Malaysians. Where people are educated and wise, intelligent choices will be made. Only then we shall no longer sacrifice time, effort, and emotional energy upon the altar of folly, as it happens all too often now. I will not lose hope, however. Said Eleanor Roosevelt, social activist and wife of American president Franklin Roosevelt, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” This is my country; this is my dream. I believe and will work to achieve what I believe.

Ideas are spinning rushing around my head and I can hardly seize one but let another slip away... Thank goodness I have a Palm =) Briefly, I've been reflecting a bit about articles I read in Time, Fortune, and theSun, been thinking about other things in general too... like how if I became rich and still lived around here when I grow up, maybe Damansara Heights would be a nicer place to live than TTDI. Also been thinking about writing a story (about an apartment block with people with a strong sense of community, where someone suddenly, mysteriously goes missing), though I never really get around to this sort of thing.

Asides, I thought about that Chinese proverb about looking straight into the eyes of the world , refusing to bow and acknowledge any master but oneself (okay, maybe not 'world', and this is almost certainly not accurate, but hey, I got 4B for Chinese, so what do you expect? =) )... my relationship to God is like that. I know He's there, I acknowledge Him, but I do not kneel before Him. For this I know full well that I may risk His wrath but even so... To me my greatest purpose, my reason for living, is accomplishing all that He has given me the ability to, is being truly, fully human, whatever that means and entails.

Religion is still a good touchstone, because even true humanity can be very evil without something to shape it... imagine a water, spilling all over the place. Now imagine it in a cup; that cup is religion/prinicples. It is what tells us how we ought to live, gives us some idea of how to act and react. I guess it's comforting to think that it isn't entirely arbitary.

BTW, I don't think Christianity is bad (read CS Lewis' Mere Christianity, it's a fine book). In this chaotic world, it helps to have a few guidelines to work with, like I said above. Violating one's own conscience can be the worse thing of all, I think. Doing what you know is wrong, falling headlong into it... knowing full well it is wrong and not struggling... that is one of the greatest evils. I had a titanic struggle of such order very very recently, and I still feel polluted... I don't want to talk about it, I'm not really completely over it besides, but I have passed the greatest darkness, I hope.

When I grow up... I want to be a brilliant ultrarich CEO (sounds so cliched, but oh well), preferably of a company I started myself and made great. I don't think I'd like to settle for anything less, would not like to merely try to earn as much money as I can before I die. I was talking to Hui Ying the other day and she said she's thinking of going into academia... On reflection it makes a lot of sense, for the kind of person I have come to see her as (though seeing her in that photo on her friend's blog brought only one word to mind: "Lobotomised" =) ).

As for me, I don't honestly see myself as an intellectual type. "Rational rather than emotional"? But emotions have their place, and a significant one it is. "Given to activities or pursuits that require exercise of the intellect"? But I'm not very good at many of those activities and so I tend to give them up. "Having or showing intellect [the ability to learn and reason; the capacity for knowledge and understanding], especially to a high degree." I don't disagree with this, hehehe. I am a person who can think things through relatively clearly, I believe (though to see clearly is sometimes a curse...). I am intelligent, rational (well, I think so anyway =). But twisty mental conundrums and philosophical problems... the question is does it affect how we live? Does it have any true bearing? The most noble aim of any creed, in my mind, is to give us guidelines for living, useful guidelines, I think. Most else is excess mental baggage, because of all the fuss people give to it. I don't like the fuss.

I like to think of myself as a simple person (with complex tastes =b ). I love seeing the sky at night, love just watching it rain, love the rugged beauty of nature. I love the simple pleasures, the simple joys which most people miss in this hectic world. Not for me cryptic tomes and dense manuals. I love fresh air, love cycling fast and feeling the cool breeze. It is too hard to count on complex things, I feel. The simple things are there always, one just needs to really learn to look with the whole of one's self.

Hmm... next random thought: playing instruments is a skill, creating music is a higher skill. Creating microchips and all sorts of gadgetry is higher still. However... inventing is even higher than that. Not just the conceptualising, but the actual research, solving problems, creating solutions where before was none... blazing new ground, sort of thing. For example, not the person who takes the Web and realises its full potential, but the one who creates it from nothingness, who has the power to bring the nonexistent into full being is greater. To create knowledge, or metacreation, creating the knowledge to create. Not exactly creating music, but creating the concept of notes and everything else associated with it: the idea of music. That is unconceivable brilliance to me. To harness the true potential and power of the mind... Simply awesome.

I was looking through some of my dad's old books early, and I also visited MPH today. So many books, so little time on earth, and no idea where to begin. we need people to show us the way... like with electronics engineering, where would I begin? where to start? it's like looking at mount olympus and wondering whether it's even possible to scale it, let alone where to begin

I feel so small, feel like I might never be as fully human as possible, but merely exist. Animals merely exist: many people do, too. It's not good enough for me, but I can't seem to find the courage to pull out of it.

And that's it for this entry... It was a real mess of random thoughts before I inflicted a measure of order upon it. Still random, still chaotic, but hopefully a good read. Cheers =).

Fascinating stuff, check it out if you've got time:
http://www.newscientist.com/channel/space/mg18524911.600
Research science might not be such a bad field to go into...

I know it's a second post for today, but... been visiting some blogs, and really, some people don't know how good they've got it... consider:

Title:HAH? cannot get full scholarship?????
Juz found out that GCE-"O" Levels English, or more commonly known as 1119, is not counted as an A1. HAIH.......tort could get full scholarship, probably hav to settle only for RM7000 only. HHMPH.....Y yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????????????????? Aiyoyooyoyoy....bAH!!! *depression* BAH! BAH!

Lydia Ee-ster minjoot a.k.a. Lee Dee Yah, HOW? aiyoyooy....now parents gotta pay half my fees....bah! Hope get some scholarship from some other place that allows me to continue SAM but still offer me a full scholarship. HHMPH....BAH-ness....this world is unfair...ahahah....the fella hoo mark me BM paper is mean mean MEAN!!!! Gimme A2 pulak....BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

And an excerpt from another blog:

Shit. I was friggin mad. For the whole day..the truth slowly sank in. I cudnt pay attn to the lessons. i was very mad. And disappointed. It was like. For the past 2 yrs, i worked realy darmn hard, and well, the results were good at d end, but it din qualify for anything. It wasnt recognized.

What is wrong with these people (and I don't mean the spelling and stuff =b )? I will not hold my peace.

"the fella hoo mark me BM paper is mean mean MEAN!!!! Gimme A2 pulak" I don't know, should he have given a B3? or B4? or any other grade between there are G9? Why condemn someone for doing his job? And "settle for RM7000"? Consider hypothetical student A, who has just as much brains but not the luxury of having parents wealthy enough to afford tuitions, revision books, &c. Roughly equal intellgence: but lower grades. More deserving of a scholarship? Almost certainly. But I concur that fate can be rough. So at least, have the decency to at least not whine about getting rm7000. It's certainly no shame, and it could probably be put to better use anyway.

What about "It wasnt recognized." So, you measure your own worth against the considerations of others? Then surely life will be a never-ending chase to meet up against the standards others have imposed. It is a hard lesson, but we must learn that the only true measure of oneself is the measure of what one is against what one was. As a Hindu proverb puts it, "There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self."

I suppose I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. Again, think about it.

The Four Loves is an excellent book written by CS Lewis. Leaving the other three aside, I want to talk about the love he calls Eros, romantic love, 'that kind of love which lovers are "in"'. This whole entry is more or less based on his contemplation of it.

First of all, we would do well to define Eros. Eros is not simply human sexuality, which he names Venus (by this he means what is sexual in an obvious sense, which could be proved sexual by observation or experience, and not in a sort of cryptic way that psychologist might think of).

To CS Lewis, Eros is not something that grows out of sexual appetite, but 'very often is simply a delighted preoccupation with the beloved - a general, unspecified preoccupation with her in her totality. A man in this state really hasn't leisure to think of sex. He is too busy thinking of a person. The fact that she is a woman is far less important than the fact that she is herself. He is full of desire, but the desire may not be sexually toned. If you asked him what he wanted, the true reply would often be, "To go on thinking of her." He is love's contemplative.'

He then talks at length about Venus's part in Eros, but while it is very perceptive, I shall leave that, instead focusing mainly on what he says of Eros.

It does not really aim at pleasure, he says. "We may think he does, but when he is brought to the test it proves otherwise. Everyone knows that it is useless to try to separate lovers by proving that their marriage will be an unhappy one. This is not only because they will disbelieve you. They usually will, no doubt. But even if they believed, they would not be dissuaded. For it is the very mark of Eros that when he is in us we had rather share unhappiness with the beloved than be happy on any other terms. Even if the two lovers are mature and experienced people who know that broken hearts heal in the end and can clearly foresee that, if they once steeled themselves to go through the present agony of parting, they would almost certainly be happier ten years hence than marriage is at all likely to make them - even then, they would not part. To Eros all these calculations are irrelevant. Even when it becomes clear beyond all evasion that marriage with the beloved cannot possibly lead to happiness - when it cannot even profess to offer any other life than that of tending an incurable invalid, of hopeless poverty, of exile, or of disgrace - Eros never hesitates to say, "Better this than parting. Better to be miserable with her than happy without her. Let out hearts break provided they break together." If the voice within us does not say this it is not the voice of Eros.

'This is the grandeur and terror of love... it is in the grandeur of Eros that the seeds of danger are concealed. He has spoken like a god. His total commitment, his reckless disregard of happiness, his transcendence of self-regard, sound like a message from the eternal world.'

Later he also says, 'When lovers say of some act that we might blame, "Love made us do it," notice the tone. A man saying, "I did it because I was frightened," or "I did it because I was angry," speaks quite differently. He is putting forward an excuse for what he feels to require an excusing. But lovers are seldom doing quite that. Notice how tremulously, almost how devoutly, they say the word love, not so much pleading an "extenuating circumstance" as appealing to an authority... [Eros] seems to sanction all sorts of actions they would not otherwise have dared'

Eros, Lewis says, is "ready for every sacrifice except renunciation." I agree with him when he tells us that "we must not give unconditional obedience to the voice of Eros", because "Eros, honoured without reservation and obeyed unconditionally, becomes a demon."

Finally, 'all this time, the grim joke is that this Eros whose voice seems to speak from the eternal realm is not himself necessarily even permanent. He is notoriously the most mortal of our loves. The world rings with complaints of his fickleness. What is baffling is the combination of this fickleness with his protestations of permanency. To be in love is to intend and to promise lifelong fidelity. Love makes vows unasked; can't be deterred from making them. "I will be ever true," are almost the first words he utters. Not hypocritically, but sincerely. No experience will cure him of the delusion. We have all heard of people who are in love again every few years; each time sincerely convinced that "this time it's the real thing," that their wanderings are over, that they have found their true love and will themselves be true till death.

'And yet Eros is in a sense right to make this promise. The event of falling in love is of such a nature that we are right to reject as intolerable the idea that it should be transitory. In one high bound it has overleaped the massive wall of our selfhood; it had made appetite itself altruistic, tossed personal happiness aside as a triviality and planted the interests of another in the centre of our being.'

'... Can we be in this selfless liberation for a lifetime? Hardly for a week. Between the best possible lovers this high condition is intermittent. The old self soon turns out to be not so dead as her pretended... he may be momentarily knocked flat; he will soon be up again; if not on his feet at least on his elbow, if not roaring, at least back to his surly grumbling or mendicant whine. And Venus will often slip back to mere sexuality'

'But these lapses will not destroy a marriage between two "decent and sensible" people. The couple whose marriage will certainly be endangered by them, and possibly ruined, are those who have idolised Eros. They thought he had the power and truthfulness of a god. The expected that mere feeling would do for them, and permanently, all that was necessary. When this expectation is disappointed they throw the blame on Eros, or, more usually, on their partners. In reality, however, Eros, having made his gigantic promise and shown you in glimpses what its performance would be like, has "done his stuff". He makes the vows; it is we who must keep them. It is we who must labour to bring our daily life into even closer accordance with what the glimpses have revealed. We must do the works of Eros when Eros is not present. This all good lovers know, though those who are not reflective or articulate will be able to express it only in a few conventional phrases about "taking the rough with the smooth," not "expecting too much," having "a little common sense," and the like.'

That's about it. I don't think I have anything of real value to add to this =b, it's taken me long enough to just decide what I wanted to copy here and actually do it. But I think what he said makes a great deal of sense, so think about it.

I had McD's on Tuesday, McD's on Wednesday, and McD's (you guessed it) today. Urgh...

Of course, that wasn't the highlight of today. SPM results! I did well, just not as well as most people =). Oh well, if you do well you'll be happy, if you don't you'll become a philosopher. Let's see, A1s for everything except Chinese (duh), BM, and Moral. Chinese was actually better than expected, I got a 4B, hehe. I checked the list of results and it's actually like on the rear end of the bell curve, but what the hey, I was planning to fail =b. BM was... *sigh* Two BM tuitions, and still no A. Got a 3B. Ah well, my command of English is more than enough to make up for my deficiency there. And Moral: who cares about moral? 2A for that.

But whoo... the seems like everyone has done so amazingly well. My results are nothing to shout about. Almost everyone has one whole string of As as well, it seems like there's plenty to go around. At least 8As, most people. My Taylor's class also shows more of the same, as far as I know. Monkeys, whole lot of them; but monkeys with brains =) .

Time to get all philosophical and stuff =b. Maybe I'm just a bad tester. Little respect for authority, don't take instructions well, hehe. I mean, I get the impression that I am rather intelligent. I can understand things relatively quick. That must be some form of intelligence. Maybe I'm on a different plane compared to others =). Sure feels that way sometimes. I'll just comfort myself with the (delusional?) thought that I have a somewhat keen mind, hehehe.

But all else being equal (which they most certainly are not, but for the sake of argument...), SPM results don't really mean much. My whole attitude towards the results, before and after, was like acceptance of the fact and nothing more. Even right now it's hard to evoke much of an emotional response. I've never been much of an emotional guy though, beyond depression, mild happiness, and mania =).

What was fun about today was being with friends. Whoo... haven't seen some of them in a long while, like Chun Yiao and Allan. And a lot of others that I'm not going to list, because it'd take up too much space. It felt so right, seeing them all again... felt so familiar, like putting on a favourite pair of comfortable shoes. A feeling that 'I belong'. Yeah... Parting is a bit hard. Inevitable, but hard. Not seeing these people again, realising that a part of you that only they could bring out is fading away from the present into the past... Not easy at all. Sure, we make new friends, we move on. For the moment, it's just not easy, because the future isn't too certain. Clinging to all we know is real and true and good, not wanting to let go... that's how it is now.

I particularly cherish these moments (moments with friends), because in my life they are few and far between, and I'm grateful for each of them. This beauty in life, helps me to turn to God. Gratefulness presupposes something to be grateful too, after all.

A whole bunch of us went to Midvalley. 7 stuffed into Kuok Yuen's car: him and Harold in front, and Phang Kit, Phoebe, Hui Lynn, and me stuffed into the backseats. Hehehe. It was fun for like 30 seconds, then the leg cramps started setting in. At Midvalley we had lunch at pizza hut, then went to meet up with some others. I swear, we couldn't walk 10 meters without bumping into someone we knew. My theory was strengthed by consecutively bumping into a whole bunch of people: people from S1, some friends of Harold, Hui Lynn (she left us earlier), Xue Lieh (guy from my Taylor's class), Zhen Han (guy I know from KRS long ago), S2 peeps, and Caroline (girl from my Taylor's class). All on the same floor too =O.

A lot more happened, that I'm not going to bother to post here. On the radar of my existence, the SPM results was a blip =b. Life moves on inexorably, and I try not to drown in the current, try to keep afloat and alive.

Another thing about today is (be patient, I know this is yet another long post) that I saw how down my mom is... I guess it runs in the family. Anyway, it's kinda hard on her... if she had any daughters it might help I suppose, but she's got three boys, and sad to say we aren't that close to her. I feel kinda bad, kinda guilty, but I don't know what I can do about it. Don't know how I can help. I wish I could make it all right... It's one of the things that gets me down, not having a strong nuclear family. The 'nuclear' is more like bomb in my case than nucleus. *sigh* I wish I had a good family... And God willing I will have a chance to make that come true.

Right now, my dad mostly slacks, and my mom is pulling like 90% of the weight. Girls, make sure you marry someone who knows how to work hard, someone who is naturally caring besides (love fades, but character can endure time). It'll make your lives so much better. Being a career woman is not easy, really. I can tell first hand. I guess that's why for me, love (i.e. boy-girl relationships) doesn't come as easily. Firstly, not a whole lot of it in my family. Secondly... I don't know about myself. I don't know whether I can inflict myself upon anyone. In love two halves don't make a whole, it's takes 2 whole people to make 1 strong relationship. Atlas Shrugged... Don't agree with everything, but one thing I feel is very true is that love should be earned, at least in part.

I heard a song recently on the radio, that went 'love me for a reason, let the reason be love'. Pah. Romantic sentiment, but... BTW, I mean earned, as in through the sort of character and deeds done naturally, not out of love. Don't let the reason be love. Let the reason be because the other sees the same light same truth you do, because you admire and respect her character. Not because of some generic 'love' you feel.

Hmm... rereading the last paragraph, it sounds a little extreme. But yeah... that's how I see it. In Christianity there's a lot about unearned love, but in earthly relationships... let this be a (not the, mind you. Fine line, but there you have it) guiding light.

Remember The Incredibles? I certainly do, I must've watched it like 3, 4 times (really liked it though, the emphasis on family). The part I like is where Bob tells his wife, "I'm not strong enough... not strong enough to lose you again." I feel a little like that. I don't feel strong enough to be able to protect, to be able to give the person I love what I feel I owe her (sorta contradicting the point I made earlier, but oh well. Love is a complex thing. Just not the only thing.). Only when I am strong enough, then...

I walk a lonely road... My shadow's the only one that walks beside me... Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me... 'Til then I walk alone...

I love that song, the boulevard of broken dreams by greenday (hoohoo, green (I really am too bored it seems =b )). Sums it up. Seems to me, though, that I will always walk alone. Surrounded yet alone.

Final words (I promise!). Sometimes I feel like I'm a man moving a mountain of packed earth with a teaspoon. Hardly make any progress, hardly any I can see, but it's happening, slowly but surely. Musn't lose hope. "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope" (Martin Luther King Jr.). True words, I tell ya. So I'll go on changing myself slowly, making myself anew everyday, and one day perhaps I will truly be what I long to be. I know it's not impossible, because I've already covered significant ground (I talk to more people now, right? That's improvement for ya).

ps. Allan, you should never have told me you like the long posts I put up =b. Here's one coming right back at ya =). God willing we'll meet again soon.

Hungry. For some reason I've this constant feeling of hunger at college. From the first class on I keep thinking about the break, and after the break I think about getting a snack. Yesterday I splurged on an ice-cream at the school's cafeteria while waitinf for the bus, and today... whoo. Had my break at 10am, had wan ton noodles, then later at 2, before the LAN class, I ran off to McD's and bought a couple of burgers. After LAN (~1.5 hours later), I went back there looking for more food, but wound up leeching some oreos off Jor How.

That's it for this post. It's dinner time =D. My stomach is calling again (besides, I gotta get off before my mom notices I've snuck on =b ).

One thing I've noticed about being in college is that people tend to swear a lot. At least, the guys. Expletives are used freely and easily, and sometimes it makes me want to barf. Using expletives seems like a sort of mental laziness. It's like 'nice', because nice has no real objective meaning. It is subjective, depends on the person. And hence it carries little weight, because we cannot really know what the other persons concept of it is. English is so rich in adjectives, there's no real reason to have to resort to profanities.

Not that society seems to be much bothered anymore. The society that consists of the youth, at least. It has transcended taboo and become pretty much the norm. *sigh* It hasn't really caught on on me, for some reason or another.

It's probably because I'm boring. I have hardly any vices, but likewise hardly any virtues. My lack of vices may be my only virtue, and vice versa. I don't get messed up in anything addictive or get too obssessed with stuff (apart from books, once in a while). I don't work hard at homework and studies. I don't do anything I wouldn't like my parents to know (well, mostly). I don't win medals and prizes (well, not often) and praises all round. I'm pretty much disconnected from the MTV influence of this generation. I don't exercise enough (or 'at all', if you prefer).

The sum of my life is... zero. Bring on the party hats.