unlimited

Yes, I know it's my third post today, and no, I haven't done any studying =b. Anyway, I saw this at 1U today, and I think it'll be interesting. Interesting if I have time, and the energy to spare. Frisbee is kinda enough to keep me occupied now, but a sport where you don't need to worry about the weather... ooo... It has possibilities, no?

Edit: Seems I forgot to mention that Camp5 is the 1U rock climbing thingy. My bad =)

It has been another scorching hot frisbee morning at Astaka... but somehow I feel good. Must be those nutty endorphins. And the sub (foot long sandwich!) I had for lunch certainly helped. Now, all I need to do is study... but I'm full... and feeling a bit numb in the head... and I wonder whether I should go for the ISKL game tomorrow...

Anyway. I'll decide later. These blazing mornings can't be healthy, I'm sure. Exercise is good and all, but if you die from skin cancer or wind up getting a cataract and going blind, I'm not sure it's worth it entirely =). Here's a pic I took this morning (with my old cam, but I just got a call saying my newer cam is fixed and in! yay!), of Li Hsien and Hanyi, to make up for the short post. Cheers!

Here is my 11/12 essay =). Remember, I only had 25 minutes to do it in.

"Alone we can afford to be wholly whatever we are and to feel whatever we feel absolutely. With others we are busy wondering: what does my companion see or think of this, and what do I think of it? The original impact of our feelings gets lost or is reduced"

-Adapted from May Sarton, The Rewards of Living a Solitary Life

Assignment: Does worrying too much about other people's opinions prevent us from seeing things clearly? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

One of the greatest ills of society today is the habit of comparing ourselves to others. Open any newspaper and you will be greeted with a multitude of advertisements for weight loss schemes, beauty products, cosmetics, and so on ad nauseum. There is a sizable market for these goods and services because there are many who are unsatisfied with their looks, simply because their appearance does not conform to the public's opinion of 'beauty'. And this dissatisfaction is not limited to beauty. Rather, it extends to almost every conceivable part of human life - possessions, happiness, achievements, ecetera. It seems much of society is obsessed with the opinion of others.

While it has its place, the judgement of others must not become the be all and end all of our lives. We must not lose for ourselves the wonders of solitude. It would be wise to step back occasionally from the demanding clamour of the world, to examine our thoughts and prejudices. To me, being alone is a rare delight. It is a time when I can withdraw - however briefly - from the stresses of the world. It allows me to reflect upon what I have heard, to sift the wheat from the chaff, and decide how I should conduct my life.

History, too, has been filled great men and women who dared to be alone with themselves. There have been many who risked public scorn, because they believed they had a better way. Take Thomas Edison. Here was a man who failed thousands of times in his effort to invent and efficient source of light to replace the paraffin lamp. His detractors mocked him. His friends doubted him. One even asked why he did not just give up. His reply? "I have not failed 10000 times. I have learnt 10000 ways a lightbulb cannot be made."

Think of what the world owe's this man. We have extended our useful hours far into the dark hours of night. We are no longer a slave to blackness, but masters of light.

As Max Lucado put it, "He who would conduct an orchestra must turn his back to the crowd." Let us, therefore, take some time to be alone. We are better company than we think.

In typing it, I noticed there were a few errors... I spelled "ecetera" wrongly, it should be "et cetera". But I forgot. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, there's a missing "with". First sentence fourth paragraph, "owe's" should not have the apostrophe.

On the other hand, only 25 minutes, remember? So it was good enough for a 6 and a 5. Ehehe.

My May SAT scores are in. Cue Long Mad Cackle: Muahahahahaha!!! Some really good news at last. All my SAT scores actually improved =D .

Without further ado... the moment you've all been waiting for... For critical reading (apparently it isn't called Verbal anymore), I manage to score above 700 this time, with a 740. My Maths score improved too, from 780 to 790. And in the all-new writing section, I scored 740. My essay received 11 out of 12, ehehe. I can still write a mean essay, then, despite having hardly touched much essay writing since SPM. =) All told, my aggregate is... urm... where's that Windows calculator... 2270 out of 2400. Not bad at all, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, I mustn't gloat too much =). My brain cells currently have this deep-fried feeling after studying Chem for an hour, 3 times the usual amount ;)

I suppose it behooves me to make a post... seems like forever since I last posted. Generally life has been okay, as far as enjoying it is concerned. Frisbee and tennis are reaally enjoyable breaks from normal college work. Not that I do much of college work =). Remarkably, I still manage to do well enough in class that people ask me for help, I can pretty much ignore the teachers (when you appear smart they tend to leave you alone). Also, I managed to score highest for the maths test, ehehe. Of course, second highest was Kuok Yuen, so perhaps there's nothing to shout about, eh?

You know, my secret worry is that I'll stop doing well one day. So far I seem to be riding on a wave of good luck (I guess if there's such a thing as karma then it's making up for losing my phone and my PDA) in terms of results, but I don't know how long before the wave crashes and I'm left high and dry on the scorching beach of... something. Metaphors fail me.

After all, the exams are what, two weeks away? I'm not panicking, and that's generally a bad sign. If I'm panicking, it means I'm studying. I guess the fact that I have only 5 subjects helps. I mean, when you spend two years trying to study for 11 subjects at once (okay, Chinese doesn't count. Neither does English, nor EST, nor modern math), what's 5 subjects? Half the stuff is Form 5 work, half is common sense, and I guess whatever is left after two halves is the bit I need to work on.

Yes, work. Especially as my timetable this weekend has been (so far):
Saturday: Breakfast. Frisbee. Lunch. Read Terry Pratchett novel. Dinner. Sleep.
Sunday: Breakfast. Read Terry Pratchett novel. Lunch. Sleep. Tennis. Dinner.

And there is definitely a real possibility of sleep soon.

It hasn't been a very good week, I feel... There's been stresses, so many stresses... worse of all, I think most of the them are horrible, small, selfish stresses. I've set for myself a standard I can't live up to, and I judge myself by it. I expect myself to be good, kind, but it all falls to pieces and blown away in an instant. A lot of it has to do with losing faith in human nature. I never put much stock in it to begin with (I have the darkness of my soul and it is dark indeed), but now... Are there any good people left? And perhaps more pertinently, would they care to know such a one as me?

Anyway, on to more concrete stuff. Let's see... I guess my prejudices towards the ECA people had a lot to do with the way I dealt with them. I see as sly people who will be nice as long as they can expect something in return. I can't abide by that, really. It gives me an icky feeling. I don't think I was in the best of moods myself, though, so naturally I didn't react very well. I did the 16 slides, was prepared to do more, but they said it was good enough, so I didn't offer it. Then on Wednesday, they suddenly wanted me to revise it. And the message was passed impersonally through Jor How, too. I spent the whole of my free time after I got home working on it. Truth be told, I could have gone to them nicely and asked for clarification, as well as asked to be shown where it would actually be projected. But my prejudices got in the way of such clear thinking.

Next day (yesterday), they still weren't satisfied. The person in charge (counsellor, no less) asked me to make more changes, without listening to my side of it. I understood that they needed it to have enough contrast, but I thought it was showing up clear enough, especially as I had already worked to up the clarity. I explained that some things weren't suitable, and some things would make the picture look ugly. Things were worse for the fact that my flu was really beginning to take off, and I had a headache. So I manage to wiggle out of having to do more corrections (for the record, I slept really early yesterday, about 9pm, because I was feeling rather sickly). The person then asked for the originals. I said yes but thought 'No way you are tampering with my originals'. I didn't work just to have someone mess around with what I did. (Although ironically, 75% of the photos I gleaned from the Flickr... maybe I was just being vengeful and difficult).

Today I woke up late, as I didn't hear my alarm (I'm using my old Palm now, since both the T2 and my cellphone (did I mention I lost this? Thursday after the hols), my previous alarms, are now lost). I almost didn't go to school since my dad wasn't keen on sending me, but then he relented. There was this really, really psychotic jam, (>8 lanes of highway near the toll, all jammed up). But I made it.

Let us now fast forward to the Teacher's Day thingy. Apparently the slideshow I did was shown very quickly at the beginning and then stopped. Hm. But I take no offence at that. I do miss the recognition I could've gotten, but my general feeling was 'If they don't appreciate it then they can go right ahead not showing it. I think what I made looked good, and that's good enough for me. Art for it's own sake, sort of thing.

But I think what stung most about today was the slight from Jor How. I heard mention of some SCA meeting, and wondered about it, so I asked him. He then told me I'm not involved since I'm apparently not one of the Top Six. I asked whether I could go anyway, he said no. And that was the end of it. Urgh... I feel like ditching the club altogether, now. I can't deal with people. I'm bad at it. And right now, the club is looking very elitist. I mean... what could they possibly have to discuss that I didn't have a right to listen to, being a member (and one that helped make the whole reason of the club a bit more than just about drawing, the one that persuaded Keat Wei to put in writing/photography/graphic design in the list of club activities). So many things, you know, have gone on without even me having a whiff of, until the last possible moment.

For instance, paying rm5 as a membership fee. Was there actually a meeting that discussed that? I mean, I'm more than willing to shell out money when a project comes along. I don't want my money just disappearing into the club coffers. At any rate, if there had at least been a meeting where the idea was floated, I might've been more agreeable to it. But no... I admit, I haven't paid up yet. Right now, though, I think I'll just dump rm10 into Yee Yien's hands and just leave it at that. My final contribution to the club.

Yes, I'm being small and selfish. But I think that's a big part of who I am. And it's part of the reason why I think I'll settle for going through life alone. I love, but I don't know what to do with the feelings except bottle it up and use it as a sort of catalyst to push me higher. Besides, I realise it's more an ideal I love than the actual person, its something like an unrealistic extrapolation. In that, and in friendships, I think no one can live up to my standards. Not even myself. Would they care to know me, I asked earlier. And that's a true question to ask. Because I think I'd get tired of myself pretty fast, if I weren't all that I have.

As far as friendships go, they're good. But true lasting friendships (and relationships, for that matter) will always be like winning the lottery: to me they'll always be things that happen to other people.

The events above remind me of Atlas Shrugged, for some reason. The 'looting of productive people' theme maybe? The whole novel is a lot denser than that one sentence, and it can be rather extreme, but I feel some likeness. I feel I must be strong. And rationality as is explored in the novel is also good to have. Rationality, a virtue in Atlas Shrugged, is placing no consideration above one's own honest grasp of the facts. It is an "an inviolable willingness to face reality, no matter how painful, frightening, or unpleasant the truth may be in a specific case" (from CliffsNotes =b, reading through the novel again would take too long). There's some truth in it.

Makes me then think about the whole project, about doing it for free without payment. Self-sacrifice. Something that the character Hank Rearden had to learn to overcome, to stop being exploited by the greedy. He had to learn not to do anything except that which he wanted to. It is a form of selfishness, but it is also a reasonable way of life. "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine," as John Galt (the principle character of the novel, sort of) put it.

Enough ramblings for one entry, I think. Cheers.

Remember
It's gone now >_<. I am sooooooo careless. In the space of two weeks I have lost both my phone and my Palm... That's the reason for the uncharacteristic title of this post. *siiigh* But what I regret losing most is my SD card, because I keep my journals on it. I haven't copied the entries onto my com because the direct card access program isn't working properly. Two months (and 8 days) worth of entries gone... That'll teach me to be so obsessed over my journals >_<. I update it religiously every single night.

Life goes on, though. I searched high and low for it but nothing, so if there's nothing yet by tomorrow, I'll assume it's gone... What a pain in the rear. But I'll get over it. Eventually. Now... I just need to rest. Been tiring, not just because of the loss. Jor How and Yee Yien and their crazy card designs that are going to be near impossible to replicate sufficiently by Friday morning.

Time to be strong yet again. Time to continue pushing onwards. Time to put things into perspective. Cheers.

Urgh... I haven't had much time to post this weekend, what with the SAT and SCA work and all. The SAT went okay, I think, but that's about all I'll allow. How it really went, I will only know when the results are out =). No false expectations for me. As for the SCA work, the summary of it is below:
It's for Teacher's Day this Friday. All you Taylorian's, await it with bated breath! It'll be Super Size on the projector. It's mostly just to fill up space, so it's probably not worth the effort I put in =b Still, the results look good, IMHO. Good work is its own reward, sort of thing. On each pic there's a pithy quote, which you'll have to take my word for since you can't really make it out in the tiny thumbnails.

Urgh, time to get back to desigining more >_<. Cheers!

I turned 18 today. This means that... I can now smoke legally! I can drink beer legally! I can watch all those 18-?? movies! Erm... Hm. Maybe turning 18 isn't such a big deal after all.

Today has been a great day, at any rate! THANKS YOU GUYS!!! Some friends popped by to celebrate, complete with cake and all =D! I think it was supposed to be a surprise, but what with Phoebe persistently asking me whether I was sure I'd be home, I had some inkling of it =b. Note to people planning surprises: Try not to be soo obvious =)

Still, I am quite speechless... Can't quite find the words. Bad news, considering my SAT (with the new dreaded Writing) is next week =) . But I digress. It's been a real good day, all in all. Thanks again!! You guys are the best!

Feels so long since I last posted, doesn't it? For me, at least... It's been a long first week of college, to be sure. So much has happened. Let's see, I suppose the biggest to happen was losing my phone. I'm rather sure it dropped out of my pocket at school somewhere. There's been no sign of it at the CAL office, nor at the Chem lab (where I suspected it might be), nor on the bus (who knows?).

Ugh. I'm not too wound up about it - I mean, I have been surviving rather well without it - but I am kinda annoyed that I could actually lose it. Honestly speaking, though, I think I've come close to losing my Palm too. And on more than one occasion, my sanity =). *sigh* I don't think I'll be getting a new phone, it was a whole set of unique circumstances colliding together (uncle passed away (morbid but true), moving, phone not working...) that enabled me to get one in the first place.

On the other hand, my birthday is tomorrow, so... hint hint hint =). Haha, it'd be extremely nice, but I don't expect it. My b'days have typically been low-key events. Never been much of a party animal. Likewise, don't expect much from me come your birthday =).

Right now, I've got my SAT to worry about. I'm not too worried about the Verbal/Math sections (though I will need to study for them, because of the new format and what not). The Writing section... now that strikes fear into my heart. 25 minutes to write a well planned, well thought out essay supporting your point of view on the given statement (which is often slightly philosophical). I am sooo gonna do badly =b. My main problem is not having anything to write about. It's rather hard for me to illustrate my stand with examples because I'm not exactly a history buff (and our Sejarah is mostly useless bunk), nor am I particularly well read (I'm bad at remembering stuff I read... which explains a lot about my results, but I digress).

Hmm... anyway, in other news... had a Math test yesterday. Ehehe, I think I'm going to do well =). Success always does the heart good. Like doing well in a class maths test. And knowing I probably did the best I could on the Physics test on Tuesday. It's gratifying, you know, to see that you have not laboured in vain. This brings to mind a Greek myth, that of Sisyphus. He was punished by the gods and sentenced to roll a boulder up a hill; but every time it neared the top, it would roll back down. That sort of futility would be hell.