unlimited

The rivulets of time flow from the towering mountains of our future, into the vast river of our past.

I'm rather sure there's some Chinese proverb I learnt along those lines, but I like to think that was at least semi original.

So, after much pain my first university application is done. Princeton. Early Decision. December 15th is the day to watch out for, even as I worry (misplacedly no doubt) about my AS, and as I try to figure out where else to apply to.

But I can't stand it. I can't stand not knowing. It's always worse, when you just know the odds are tilted against you, when it's a million-to-one chance. You know it's nearly impossible. But you know nearly isn't 100%. Somewhere there's hope to cling on to. It's like lottery tickets.

Sometimes this hope is good, it inspires us to be strive harder. But for me there is no more striving. Only waiting.

I would say, my future hangs upon this moment. But I don't believe it. I think somehow or another, I've grown a sense of stubbornness. Inside there's something that rails against destiny, fate, whatever forces that would drag me down and chain the part of me that longs to ascend. Maybe it's a self-preservation mechanism, I don't know. Whatever it is, I have come to believe that there is no future that I cannot seize and make the best of. I have come to believe, through experience and the wisdom of others, that within all of us lies great strength, great courage.

Despair, that thief of life and joy, would crush us with disappointment, regret and fear. It whispers to us in its evil, silky voice, that there's not a mote of hope. You can't change yourself, you'll fail, you'll be a shame to all society.

Life is mostly attitude, however. You see it all the time, the majesty and strength of people. You see it in Mother Theresa. You see it in little children with fatal illnesses. You see it in people never giving up on each other.

It's not about what people think of you. It's what you think of yourself. In this, you forge for yourself a badge of honour, a shield of hope, a lance of courage. It is the "Come what may, my soul, my honour, it shall prevail."

...
I think I'm babbling. This was not a premeditated post, I just started at one end and somehow wound up at this end. What I did want to say, was that I think the Princeton app took so much out of me because at some level, I wanted my essay to be perfect Impossible, of course. Getting my essay to 'acceptable' and 'good' probably took 20% of the time. Getting it up to perfect took 80% of it. And it's not even exactly perfect. It's 'I can't be bothered any more, I've run out of energy, and more importantly, run out of time' perfect.

Thing is, I've also conditioned myself to really give a lot of myself to something I really want to make good. It's never enough to satisfy me, but I never stop trying. Essays, graphic designs, miscellaneous projects, etc. I suppose a lot of the obsessiveness has got to do with not wanting that 'what if I had tried a little harder?' feeling, that gnaws at the soul when failure strikes. I've felt its bite too many times, I think.

Babbling again >_<. It's really too late to be having with all this. Admittedly, I don't have much to do with my time either. Been surfing the Net far too much, mostly on blogs. Tried my hand at CSS today, I've grasped the basics. Not enough to overhaul my blog yet, though. But it seems imminent =).

Can't concentrate on doing anything >_<. Nickelback's All the Right Reasons playing, got some okay tracks. Though I can't say I'm much of a fan of hard rock, it's not too bad.

Moving on, my Princeton application is more or less done, at last! Though I do still need to submit it, haven't because I need my mom's credit card no. Need to send in all the forms too... getting very tensed up about the whole thing. I can't seem to agree with my mom on anything anymore.

Couple more things. I was waiting for the bus to go to school (at 3pm... missed it/it didn't come), and saw not-your-everyday things. First: A 3 series BMW going full tilt. You cannot believe how fast it was going! It's high-intensity discharge headlamps glared like some rabid animal. Second: A motorcycle passed by. I hardly noticed. Until it pulled a wheelie. Definitely one of those OMGWTHBBQ moments.

Also been thinking about friends, and their siblings. Mine is bbb - three boys. Joel, Chin Keat, and Shea Kang immediately come to mind, and a neighbour I used to have. Then there's ggg, three girls. Li Hsien, Hui Lynn, and this girl from CF I used to know. There's bb, like PK, Gavin, and maybe Kuok Yuen (dunno). I don't know so many gg - my cousins, as far as I know. And there are the mixes. gbg - Hui Ying. bgb - Chau Sean, Harold (don't exactly know the order of his brother and sister). And of course, bg (Joshua, Allan) and gb. Various other combinations. It's fascinating, thinking about all this. More complexity: consider Bbb (me, Joel, SK), vs bBb (Chin Keat). Capital refers to the position of the named person. Complicated stuff, I tell you. But fascinating. Genealogy or siblingology or something =).

Edit: Okay, so Joshua is Bgg, and Allan is bBg, and I learnt also today (11/11) that Kuok Yuen is gBb... Live and learn I suppose.

Ahahah(...)haha! I just got my SAT Subject Test scores, and it's an excellent panacea for what ails me. I've been stressed out over Thinking Skills (hardly any study), got grumpy over the know-it-all my-way-or-the-highway-ness of the school admin doing my Secondary School Reference, and one other thing that'd be too complicated to explain here.

BUt, then I came home and for the 5th time checked collegeboard.com for the SAT Subject Test results. Previously there was this red box saying check back on October 24th, but as far as I was concerned, it had been October 24th since October 23rd, GMT 4pm. This time, it read "Scores are out!" And I clicked and I signed in and I waited and loading seemed to take forever... ...

The scores flickered up on the screen. I stared for a second and whooped. A perfect 800 for both Physics and Math Level 2, and a 770 for Chemistry. *cackle* I have no illusions about it guaranteeing me an entry into Princeton, because outside of academic prowness I don't think I've much going from not, at least nothing that stands out and shouts "Look at me!"

Though neither are the great scores a good pillow, it is one thing less to worry about. And again, it's gratifying to know that working hard, pays off. Though it's studying isn't actually that hard, it's just setting your mind to it. I'm rather work adverse, when it comes to stuff like actually getting a job.

Briefly, I've finally beginning to see the light of day again. The references are trickling in, I've gotten Teacher Reference 2 from two teachers (doh!... will need to choose one), Teacher Reference 1 is coming in on Wed (really, because I can't be bothered to go to school tomorrow, and Wednesday, there's actually a party at a classmates house), Peer Reference is in... I've got to settle my essays, which I'm still dissatisfied about.

Yes, I do think I see the light. Though, it's actually an oncoming train. It's both. Comfort-agony duality aspect of lights in darkness. You'll feel happy for a moment before your eyeballs are seared out of your head. Anyway =).

I'm listening to James Blunt's album Back to Bedlam now, and it's not bad. Not being anyway knowledgeably about music, I'll leave it at that. Also good is the Goo Goo Doll's album Dizzy Up The Girl.

Mm... and I've been filling my days with mostly emptiness. To wit: watching Smallville, and today, Futurama. Futurama is admittedly a little more addictive, since it's shorter and more fast paced. Not really a good thing to be doing in the midst of my A Levels...

Also not a good thing in view of the fact that I've still got one more essay to write. My mom still doesn't like my essays but I'm rather happy with them. I'd like to get a third opinion, though =/. Who can I trust?... *sigh*

I feel like I'm living in some kind no communication limbo... I've sent out emails to 3 different places (some several times) and sent out SMSes to people but I've not received any kind of reply from anyone at all. It's getting on my nerves I tell you. Oh well...

Down, as in, six feet under. D4mn, but I do hate Chem practicals... I mean, how was I supposed to know I was supposed to multiply 1000, not divide? My answer was off by several orders of magnitude. It was tragic.

On a lighter note, my mom bought my the book Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. Remarks? WOW! It's a great book, I like the author's style. A bit tongue-in-cheek, among other things. Highly recommended.

I also finished one of my application essays today. It took blood, toil, and tears, but I managed to get it done. Only two more to go... Like, I've just climbed Mount Everest. Now, where's K2? I'm bored already.

But it's a good thing, don't get me wrong. Until my mom start to pick at it. "God, what an awful font," and all that. Okay, so maybe she didn't say that, but she did start making negative comments. I wonder why I bothered showing it, after my experience with showing her my writing. I don't need someone to tell me my writing is horrible. But it's my horrible writing, and let's keep it that way. Not keep it horrible, keep it mine. Um. That sort of thing.

Interestingly enough, I read somewhere that for graphic designers on a project, it's best to leave some subtle-but-obvious mistake, like a part that's not aligned right. It's to satisfy the innate urge to nitpick that will doubtlessly assail whoever's in charge of reviewing the graphic. Likewise, maybe I should throw in a few typos here, put in some extra punctuation marks there. Who knows. It might work.

Asides, the week has been boring. I'd tell you what else I've been doing except that that sort of thing could get me sued. Only one word: Bit. Torrent. Well, technically it's one word. The period just happened. Laws of effect, perfectly natural.

And tomorrow, there will be frisbee and skin cancer. Maybe frisbee. Depends on your definition of it (the looser the better). Definitely skin cancer.

Yay!

ps. and I blame the Attempted First Degree Hilarity of this post on the book I'm reading. It overflows with humour and I'm afraid some of the icky stuff spilled here.

Just a brief post, because I know I ought to have updated a while ago. Number of things starting with S happened recently too, seems like.

SAT Subjects... didn't turn out quite as hard as expected. if all goes well I should get 700+ each paper, or at least high 600s. The Princeton Review (Physics) book gave unrealistic fears. I wasn't prepared enough for math, I think... stuff like f(x,y,z) = (x,0,y). No clue what it means.

Sick... because I Studied too much for the SAT, I think. Stressed out last week, the level increased exponentially. By Friday I was a basketcase =/.

Speaking of Studies, the AS (okay, so it doesn't start with S, but it ends with one. So there.) Finals are coming. Only Chem practical this week, so I can worry about my Uni Application. Big worry.

But still, I occasionally make time for Sims 2, because I got it recently, and have time now. It'd be a waste not to at least play it a bit =). Though the lack of a 3D card makes it a bit tedious to play.

That's all for now. See ya!