unlimited

Watching friends fall in love and drift out of your life is like waiting for your lift home with your friends, and being helpless as you watch them leave one by one. It was good talking to them, and you're glad for them. But inside, it feels like a little bit of you is being torn away each time. The seconds drag on longer and longer. The tapestry of life fades, its colours less vibrant. You know that one day your ride too will come, and things will pick up again, but for now...

Hmm. Read into that what you will. It's sort of an analogy, that popped into my mind as I was walking home from the bus stop today. It's not perfect, but I'm not about to nitpick it as I tend to do. It's just something that drifted into my head... You can know someone for a few years, but then something happens and you don't seem to know them any more.

Things I'd like to do and do well (especially if I already try) in no particular order:

1. Paint
2. Be a good friend to people
3. Compose music
4. Write poetry
5. Write short stories
6. Write a novel
7. Write and direct a play/movie
8. Act
9. Debate
10. Play tennis
11. Swim
    
12. Play the guitar
13. Play the piano
14. Play maybe some woodwind or percussion instrument
15. Have great conversations
    
16. Rock climbing
17. Not be materialistic
    
18. Sing
19. Design great graphics
20. Take great photos
21. Invent things to improve mankind's lot
22. Make a scientific breakthrough
23. Help people
24. Gardening
    
25. Start a great company
    
26. Earn a lot of money without selling out my principles
27. Start a magazine
28. Inspire people
29. Be humble
30. Have a respectable philosophy
    
31. Cook
32. Fall in love
33. Have great kids
    

I think I'll manage some of them, and I suppose that if I even manage to do half the list well, I'm pretty lucky =). Still... it is a bit late to get into some of the things.

Also, in this I feel different from a lot of people. I mean, I hardly share their passions. I don't claim to be better, by the way. Just... so different. I'm not into partying/clubbing, hanging out at bars drinking, watching much television, and stuff typical of this generation, because there's just so much to do with life. For me I like creative stuff, I like the feel of creating. Unfortunately, heading my list of 'Things Not To Do' is... Procrastinate.

But there's still time, time to hope and time to hitch my wagon to a star.

Another collage thing, I used only Pangkor pics because I was too lazy to find anything else. Plus I wanted to use the "I am woman hear me roar"@yawn pic *evil grin*. It's classic =)!

Hee hee... It's good being an introvert: Check out the list below, from here. Reading it, I kept nodding, except maybe on 9 (not enough time to know yet), 8 (flexible? I think I can be idiotically stubborn =b ), and 4 (I can't honestly say I'm responsible). Besides this you might want to check out here for more on introverts.

Top Ten Advantages Introverts Possess:
10) Work Well With Others, Especially In One-to-One Relationships
9) Maintain Long-Term Friendships
8) Flexible
7) Independent
6) Strong Ability To Concentrate
5) Self-Reflective
4) Responsible
3) Creative, Out-of-the-Box thinking
2) Analytical Skills That Integrate Complexity
1) Studious and Smart

And the other list is equally good =)

Misconceptions About Introverts:
10) Party Poopers
9) Unfriendly
8) Nerds
7) Lacking Social Skills
6) Won't Talk
5) Don't Like People
4) Withdrawn
3) Loner
2) Shy
1) Hermit

Hmm... I seem to be a bit tardy in posting again. It's been a tiring back to school week, by way of excuse. There was a Chem test on Wednesday and a math test tomorrow. And today has been rather frustrating, I (a) got wet running to the bus pickup point (b) missed the bus by a fraction (c) missed my stop when I took the second bus (d) left my phone at home and couldn't call my mom. Urgh... But be happy, ya? I hope I have that much control at least.

And here's something I did for fun... I used the photos I took on the trip down to Singapore, to make collages. The many faces of...



I didn't have enough photos for Phang Kit, though. And I confess, there's one photo that isn't from Singapore, but as I did that certain collage yesterday, I didn't notice the exception when I made the rule. But who cares? And a number of the photos seem to involve blinding =).

Hope that makes up for lack of posts, I don't think I'll have much time any time soon: exams, university applications (Have. To. Start!!), SAT II in two! weeks, class page to design, editorial board work (nothing yet, but can be expected), stuff like that. Annoying... but that's life =). I thrive on work, at any rate. I must stop procrastinating so much too.

What a day! So many superlative achievements!

First: I bought 24 cans of Gatorade for rm11.76 (that's 49 sen each!!). Under the guise of 'Chuppa Chups' (God alone knows what flavour), they slipped through the wary eye of The Company, though the cashier did a second take. I found the poor dears lost in the 99 sen bin with an identity crisis. *sob*

Second: I worked on a board game! Because I'm cheap! (as if the first achievement didn't underscore that enough). Settlers of Catan--a pretty fun boardgame, if first impressions are anything to go by--costs a whomping rm180. Dear! Dear! I love dreaming up stuff like this anyway, and this is one of those times I come anywhere near to realising one of those madcap ideas. I have had many: board games, card games, computers games... After all, I'm experienced.

Third: Yet another cheap! victory: rm40 cleats at Giant! I don't think I'm the kind person who has much use for cleats, so the rm150 ish branded pairs were out. More so the rm270 pairs. Long live cheapo stuff!

Four: I taught myself what cross products (vectors) are!

On another note... The past few days have been more eventful than most of last week. Frisbee practice, loitering in school between frisbee and bus arrival (and making good use of the time, ekeke).

Yesterday, I collected my MyKad. The most serendiptious thing happened, too: walking out the building I saw Kuok Yuen! I called him and asked him to turn around, just for kicks. It was serendipitious because it led to a series of events that led me to wind up at CHS, skulking about. That was real fun because I met up with so many old friends, like Allan.

And relaxing in the Ed Board room with a few form 4s was so nostalgic. Warren, Melanie, Michelle Jane, and some other dude. I know the former two, seen the third around, and don't know the dude. People come and go, but some things stay the same =). And they're all great people, too. Coming into their own, you can sense. Not the thick headed Form 3s of yesteryear, as I see it, haha. Not that they were thick headed, but... Form 4 is magical. People's opinions change. Form 3? Still young-lah. Still short, etc. Form 4? Growing up already, finding a place in the world, not so child-like anymore. It is rebelling more, trying to do things one's own way... not knowing that it's been done before. Or knowing and not caring.

How times fly... sometimes I wish I could go back and really live those moments out again to the fullest, but I know, even if I had the chance, and went back, things wouldn't change. Because, going back means you're the same person you were then. No shortcuts. I just hope that I've learnt enough, to make the best of the present.

Haha, I remember reminiscing about skipping class and all the quirky things that went on in the Ed Board room. Melanie said, a little surprised, "But that's still... Oh wait, it's probably over for you."

And I replied, "Yes, it is for me here. But in college, in the world, there's still so much for us experience, that it's never truly over." Or, I would have liked to reply that =). I probably said something along those lines.

Yes, amazing serendipity led me to that moment, a portion of time seemingly cut out from my past, with different actors.

Anyway, it was something to do other than (a) play Warcraft or (b) think about filling in applications, but play Warcraft anyway.

Hmm, AS trial results came out today. I did well, improved slightly but otherwise am still at the same place as last term. Hopefully, that means at the top. But it's no big deal.

I've been thinking... I think I brag a lot because I'm attention seeking. I don't think my parents are particularly bothered with me. My dad definitely isn't, and my mom hardly shows it.

I read recently that the greatest gift parents can give to their children is their presence. Pre-teens, I mean. Children don't understand their parents working their butts off to buy a better future: children understand their parents being there for them, because it clearly shows that they care. Children love their parents very much by nature, but if their parents seem hardly around, things tend to go awry...

I think while my childhood wasn't too bad, it wasn't very great, either. I regret that, but I can't do anything about it. What I worry about, is making sure I treat the children I will one day have with kindness, love, dignity, and respect. I want to be worthy of their respect, not demand it belligerently. That's why I'm so hard on myself sometimes, I suppose. I want to be fit for myself, and others, to live with.

It's a long hard road, and God send that I may find a significant other that will be there to help me overcome this. God send true friends, with whom I can learn from and better myself.

I like this poem:

I was clearing out my room today, in an attempt to do something unrelated to the computer (as you can see, an hour after waking up, I have again failed). I happened to come across the rejection letters from Uplands, and I can't help but remember the disappointment I felt at that time. It was as though this great opportunity had been lost.

And perhaps, I did lose some chances, but there are things that certainly would never have happened had I not gone to Taylor's. Because, there are compensations in most disappointments. I cherish the fact that I've made new friends, and strengthened old ones, particularly. If I had gone far away, I would have met new people, but would not have the chance to make old friendships better. For this, I am grateful. Our time is short, and pretty soon we'll be off again, this time even further and more separated. The ties we make now will be tried with neglect. Here's to as many of them surviving as is good =).

Read this! It made feel really grateful for my life as it is... I mean, sure it isn't perfect and all, but really, there's no call at all for me to be berserkly ambitious. Also made me wonder, how can I help these people? Is there a way that does not demean, a way that manages to affirm human dignity? Because charity is often misunderstood, both by giver and givee. Because it tends to have 'thank God I'm not you' connotations. I don't want that... I wish I could help, in a human to human way.

*sigh*... reality is, it's hard to shift out of my comfort zone. It's hard to stop thinking about my woes and my wants. How then shall we live?

I don't particularly feel like it, but anyway, here's what I've been up to of late. I've been messing with Illustrator, learnt a few new tricks with it. Designed some logos, made a couple of sites destined to be digital debris out of sheer boredom (You can see them here and here). Watched The Pacifier yesterday (okay, very Disney). Played frisbee today (I am soooo scorched >_< ), attended a Carpe Diem meeting briefly. Played rather a lot of Warcraft over the course of the holiday. Umm... that's about it I think. I really should make better use of my time.

Not for free, mind you. I'm thinking of selling my faithful Olympus c-5060... it has served me well, but I lust for greater cameras =b. The 5060 really has a lot of strong points, not the least of them is the quality of the photos, which are excellent (I mean, 5 MP, what do you expect?).

Other than that, its battery life is head and shoulders above most normal cameras, it lasted me the three days of the Pangkor trip for instance, where I took a lot of photos (no kidding! 440mb worth if I remember right).

It takes both CF and xD cards, a feature I shall miss, because on these sort trips it is helpful for getting photos off other people, hehe. Naturally I'm selling my 512 CF with it, even if it is a little fussy (need a seperate card reader for it).

It's a wide angle camera, meaning you can get the same shot as a normal camera without standing as far away. Another feature rarely seen and will be missed. Handy for those group shots (ahaha, everyone else is standing 2 feet back, sort of thing =b ).

What else? The camera is very responsive. It has a hotshoe for external flashes. It's built sturdy. It has that swivelling LCD thing. It has a heck lot of manual controls, to be toyed with till kingdom come =). It has a lot of direct buttons, making for an intuitive interface. It has a 640x480 movie mode, which can make for whopping big movies (thank goodness for the 512mb!)

But don't take my word for it, here's a link to corroborate the above (as if I would lie! =) ).

Any takers? I'm thinking around rm1700. Let me know if you're interested. It's a really good camera, I kid you not.

By way of explanation for the last post: First, I haven't written in verse for a really really long time, and it's kinda fun to write, because you've got to consider every word. They have to be chosen well so they fit in... Not that I'm saying I'm any good.

The other reason is that I'm feeling some stuff, which I can't write out without making it sound horribly whiny and like a personal diatribe against the world. I have problems yes, but so does everyone else, so it does not behoove me to act as though I was the only one.

Incidentally, this might be helpful for a few words in that last paragraph =b

Anyhow, just the facts, of the past weeks I haven't been updated. Let's see, where to begin? The first meeting for the editorial board was held some time back, and though I nominated myself for chief editor (oh, the shamelessness of it all =) ), I didn't get elected. The second meeting concluded last Friday, we met the publisher. I remember posting about that... It went rather better than I had implied it would go. For one thing, I felt I was in my element. Because of Ed Board I was familiar with most of what the guy said, and that was good. Except that (horror!) we should not be surprised to get one or two 'conventional' designs, i.e. class profiles (pages) done with cardboard and glue and not photoshop. I guess some places are still rather 'ulu'.

On Saturday there was the frisbee tournament, from 7.30am to 1pm or so, roughly. I feel absolutely baked. I still have mixed feelings about it, and the tourney to come. We lost the first game against a Singpore team, 5-15. We wrested that 5 points in the second half, after a suffocating 0-8 halftime score. The game against Inti was very close, we kept equalising every few points. The game against the old hands, I think we lost, but I don't know the score. And I have learnt... that you must be fast, and your team must be fast, and be, well, a team.

And I think that there's some crack in the sunblock, because it has left this strangely pleasant smell on my shirt (which was soaked with the stuff, I don't doubt, because I smeared the stuff on thrice).

I feel hardly human... a marginal sociopath (might need that link again =) ). I sometimes find it hard to emote, hard to connect to people. There is darkness within, something inhuman and evil, which I find hard to deal with. Or maybe I'm just too ambitious and selfish and unkind...

And with that last cryptic paragraph,

Or, In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. (Does this make me look like I understand French? =b )

I will find my summer. I will be joyous.

Chill wind blows,
Nothing grows,
Along the wayside.

An empty road,
A heavy load,
Like the dream of dying.

Path without end,
Journey without friend,
My destiny to be?

Silk that binds,
Light that blinds,
Means no freedom never.

I suppose an update is long overdue =), after that last rash of daily updates. I've not been very active online in a while, because my modem died again. I'm writing this in the library, incidentally. The interminable seconds tick by at a rate of 60 second per minute, as I wait for the stupid editorial board meeting to begin. We're supposed to meet the publisher, though I don't understand why everyone has to go. It killed any hope of joining the rest of my class in unwinding.

The frisbee meeting didn't help, either. For one thing, now everyone's been slotted into committee positions, which destroys the carefree-ness I've come to associate with frisbee. You know, it used to just be something fun to do on a Saturday morning instead of vegging out in front of the tube. But the machinery has gotten churning, and the whole team is going down to Singapore in a couple of weeks for a tournament. I'm not particularly looking forward to it... I hope it'll turn out okay, but I'm pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. On one hand, it seems like a bit of a waste of time (not to mention a waste of money. S$ 80 to join?? But I'm not even going for the preparty, the party, or the after party), because apparently the other thing about frisbee tournaments apart from the game itself is the remarkable presence of booze. On the other hand, there is the potential for the trip to turn out really enjoyable, vis a vis time spent with friends.

Well, at any rate the exams are over, and that's reason to be glad. I hope I stop waking up at night thinking about impossibly hard questions =b. It's happened once or twice, I kid you not. Maybe I've been sleeping too much, or something.

Panic aside, I think I should do okay. Good omen: I've heard from Jor How (who got it from the horse's mouth) that I scored highest for the Econs objective part. Small victory (or not, if you consider the fact that last term I aced that part =) ).

I'm rather sure I've got more to write, I just can't remember it at the moment. Plus, I've got the idiotic meeting to run off to in a mo. No worries, though. I'll have plenty of time to update in the hols to come. Ehehe. Hols.

ps. Google has launched an IM client, fascinating. Google Talk. Google it =). Looks interesting... and looks like Google is taking another step towards world domination.