unlimited

I had McD's on Tuesday, McD's on Wednesday, and McD's (you guessed it) today. Urgh...

Of course, that wasn't the highlight of today. SPM results! I did well, just not as well as most people =). Oh well, if you do well you'll be happy, if you don't you'll become a philosopher. Let's see, A1s for everything except Chinese (duh), BM, and Moral. Chinese was actually better than expected, I got a 4B, hehe. I checked the list of results and it's actually like on the rear end of the bell curve, but what the hey, I was planning to fail =b. BM was... *sigh* Two BM tuitions, and still no A. Got a 3B. Ah well, my command of English is more than enough to make up for my deficiency there. And Moral: who cares about moral? 2A for that.

But whoo... the seems like everyone has done so amazingly well. My results are nothing to shout about. Almost everyone has one whole string of As as well, it seems like there's plenty to go around. At least 8As, most people. My Taylor's class also shows more of the same, as far as I know. Monkeys, whole lot of them; but monkeys with brains =) .

Time to get all philosophical and stuff =b. Maybe I'm just a bad tester. Little respect for authority, don't take instructions well, hehe. I mean, I get the impression that I am rather intelligent. I can understand things relatively quick. That must be some form of intelligence. Maybe I'm on a different plane compared to others =). Sure feels that way sometimes. I'll just comfort myself with the (delusional?) thought that I have a somewhat keen mind, hehehe.

But all else being equal (which they most certainly are not, but for the sake of argument...), SPM results don't really mean much. My whole attitude towards the results, before and after, was like acceptance of the fact and nothing more. Even right now it's hard to evoke much of an emotional response. I've never been much of an emotional guy though, beyond depression, mild happiness, and mania =).

What was fun about today was being with friends. Whoo... haven't seen some of them in a long while, like Chun Yiao and Allan. And a lot of others that I'm not going to list, because it'd take up too much space. It felt so right, seeing them all again... felt so familiar, like putting on a favourite pair of comfortable shoes. A feeling that 'I belong'. Yeah... Parting is a bit hard. Inevitable, but hard. Not seeing these people again, realising that a part of you that only they could bring out is fading away from the present into the past... Not easy at all. Sure, we make new friends, we move on. For the moment, it's just not easy, because the future isn't too certain. Clinging to all we know is real and true and good, not wanting to let go... that's how it is now.

I particularly cherish these moments (moments with friends), because in my life they are few and far between, and I'm grateful for each of them. This beauty in life, helps me to turn to God. Gratefulness presupposes something to be grateful too, after all.

A whole bunch of us went to Midvalley. 7 stuffed into Kuok Yuen's car: him and Harold in front, and Phang Kit, Phoebe, Hui Lynn, and me stuffed into the backseats. Hehehe. It was fun for like 30 seconds, then the leg cramps started setting in. At Midvalley we had lunch at pizza hut, then went to meet up with some others. I swear, we couldn't walk 10 meters without bumping into someone we knew. My theory was strengthed by consecutively bumping into a whole bunch of people: people from S1, some friends of Harold, Hui Lynn (she left us earlier), Xue Lieh (guy from my Taylor's class), Zhen Han (guy I know from KRS long ago), S2 peeps, and Caroline (girl from my Taylor's class). All on the same floor too =O.

A lot more happened, that I'm not going to bother to post here. On the radar of my existence, the SPM results was a blip =b. Life moves on inexorably, and I try not to drown in the current, try to keep afloat and alive.

Another thing about today is (be patient, I know this is yet another long post) that I saw how down my mom is... I guess it runs in the family. Anyway, it's kinda hard on her... if she had any daughters it might help I suppose, but she's got three boys, and sad to say we aren't that close to her. I feel kinda bad, kinda guilty, but I don't know what I can do about it. Don't know how I can help. I wish I could make it all right... It's one of the things that gets me down, not having a strong nuclear family. The 'nuclear' is more like bomb in my case than nucleus. *sigh* I wish I had a good family... And God willing I will have a chance to make that come true.

Right now, my dad mostly slacks, and my mom is pulling like 90% of the weight. Girls, make sure you marry someone who knows how to work hard, someone who is naturally caring besides (love fades, but character can endure time). It'll make your lives so much better. Being a career woman is not easy, really. I can tell first hand. I guess that's why for me, love (i.e. boy-girl relationships) doesn't come as easily. Firstly, not a whole lot of it in my family. Secondly... I don't know about myself. I don't know whether I can inflict myself upon anyone. In love two halves don't make a whole, it's takes 2 whole people to make 1 strong relationship. Atlas Shrugged... Don't agree with everything, but one thing I feel is very true is that love should be earned, at least in part.

I heard a song recently on the radio, that went 'love me for a reason, let the reason be love'. Pah. Romantic sentiment, but... BTW, I mean earned, as in through the sort of character and deeds done naturally, not out of love. Don't let the reason be love. Let the reason be because the other sees the same light same truth you do, because you admire and respect her character. Not because of some generic 'love' you feel.

Hmm... rereading the last paragraph, it sounds a little extreme. But yeah... that's how I see it. In Christianity there's a lot about unearned love, but in earthly relationships... let this be a (not the, mind you. Fine line, but there you have it) guiding light.

Remember The Incredibles? I certainly do, I must've watched it like 3, 4 times (really liked it though, the emphasis on family). The part I like is where Bob tells his wife, "I'm not strong enough... not strong enough to lose you again." I feel a little like that. I don't feel strong enough to be able to protect, to be able to give the person I love what I feel I owe her (sorta contradicting the point I made earlier, but oh well. Love is a complex thing. Just not the only thing.). Only when I am strong enough, then...

I walk a lonely road... My shadow's the only one that walks beside me... Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me... 'Til then I walk alone...

I love that song, the boulevard of broken dreams by greenday (hoohoo, green (I really am too bored it seems =b )). Sums it up. Seems to me, though, that I will always walk alone. Surrounded yet alone.

Final words (I promise!). Sometimes I feel like I'm a man moving a mountain of packed earth with a teaspoon. Hardly make any progress, hardly any I can see, but it's happening, slowly but surely. Musn't lose hope. "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope" (Martin Luther King Jr.). True words, I tell ya. So I'll go on changing myself slowly, making myself anew everyday, and one day perhaps I will truly be what I long to be. I know it's not impossible, because I've already covered significant ground (I talk to more people now, right? That's improvement for ya).

ps. Allan, you should never have told me you like the long posts I put up =b. Here's one coming right back at ya =). God willing we'll meet again soon.