unlimited

Argh, I never learn... I spent an hour writing an entry, and pressed publish, and then this screen came up, asking me to sign in again. I did, and got the dashboard. Groan. Blogger is at least trying to come up with a solution, they implemented a recover posts thingy a couple days ago, but had to take it down. Bah.

Anyway, the bulk of that time was spent staring at the screen wondering what to write. I've been thinking of this post for a long time, thinking about the stuff I might put in. I'd still like to put it in, but... Too much, too deep to the heart, too long ago in some cases (a few days = enough time for things to change).

It has been a rather crummy week, which I'm glad is over. The long overdue hols are here at last. And though I was kinda looking to today with some reservation, it has been a rather good start. I spent the crummy week wondering how today might be, but it has been fine.

I don't want to talk much the week, but I will mention some stuff. Like how my modem burned. My expensive camera quit on me (and the warranty card is missing). I had to replace the modem with my own cash because my parents wouldn't. There was the Moral test. Frisbee today was cancelled. There was the Taylor's scholarship thing yesterday, which made me feel kinda anarchist. I dislike coercive authority, pushy authority. Maybe it's just the rebellious teen in me speaking though.

Besides that, another couple of things happened yesterday, both somewhat related. First was my cranky maths teacher/mentor (person in charge of the class) giving out these forms to fill in to get our testimonial from him who hardly knows me. Taylor's policy or something. Bah. Defeats the purpose of a testimonial, which is to give an insight into someone's character. My feelings are kinda along the lines of, "I do not recognise your authority to write my testimonial for neither did I grant it nor was it yours to take."

The second thing was more upbeat. It was someone I respect, telling me I have potential, that I'll do well. Kind thought. It's hard to be sure sometimes... SO many pangs of self-doubt and stuff, all coexisting with a sort of stony steel-ness that says I will succeed, because I know I can. One pathetic example of self-doubt is: disliking my voice. For no reason in particular I recorded it with my T2, played it back. I sound like I've a lisp (do I? I don't know). And I sing horribly. I think I'll never fare well in the performing arts =). Just as well I never tried.

The other more serious sort of self-doubt is love. Well, not really doubt. Just a sort of low-key worry. I've never been one to act on love... *sigh* I don't know how to, besides. Don't really feel like having someone love me as a sort of reaction to my love. Always loved from afar...

Know what Neil Gaiman said about it? He said, "Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

I don't hate it, I think it can be wonderful. But I also know that it's rather beyond my grasp, existing only in my dreams. Sweet are those dreams, and they are all I have of it. Someone once said "The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting beside you and knowing you can't have them." But perhaps just being able to sit next to the one and see her, is enough. Hm.

Someone else said, "To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be." I agree. Perhaps that is the essence of true love...

*sigh*. Anyway. More about today, it has turned out okay. No frisbee, but I went to 1U, had an rm20 sandwich, watched White Noise (wasn't looking forward to it, I'm not a fan of the horror genre (I see no point in spooking myself out), but it kinda lost its eerieness with Harold's wacko comments). After that there was a pleasant afternoon spent talking at my place, with the company of Harold, Phang Kit, Phoebe, and Hui Ying (and her brother for some reason). A lot of talk, I didn't really say much (as usual), but it was pleasant.

And now it's night, and I'm here at my com... This post is longer than I thought it would be =/ Well, here's to getting work done these hols. Enjoy yourselves, those of you who are off this week too =).

Last bit: "And Pooh gave Christopher Robin the biggest Pooh hug he could give because he knew that goodbyes were not far away." Isn't that nice?