unlimited

It's never a good idea to look back at lost opportunities, but... I was reading about AFS (American Field Service) in the newspapers today (Star Education, under the guise of ABM). All the questions and the worries flooded back after two months of silence...

I had the chance, yannow, to go to America, to go to Aus. First I got New York state, not exactly New York, New York, maybe a couple hundred km from it, but still America. Then I learnt that US immigration is weird in that if I apply for the particular visa necessary, I won't be able to return for two years once I come back, barring special exemption from the policy (which is never a given).

Then there was Aus... some unspecified place (or I've just forgot =b ). But by this time all my worries and my hesitations finally took their toll, came to a point. I was tired of the struggle to make it somehow fit, and throughout applying, from the very first interview, already had reservations about the whole thing. The struggle finally culminated in some arguments with my mom ("I'll go since you're not willing to spend money on me any other way," "If that's the case then I'm not letting you go!" "But you were the one who asked me to sign up in the first place!!"), and I dropped out of the whole thing. *sigh*

There were a lot of close calls, a lot narrowly reached deadlines, but ultimately... it wasn't them that made the decision. My mom's still mad at me because she lost rm3k on it (first installment, after I passed the interviews and they were looking for a host family), even though they were technically (well, as far as I can tell) supposed to return it.

But despite all that... I do wonder how it would've been. If there weren't the spectre of applying to uni and stuff, if my life was really truly free from mental blocks and fixed mindsets (mostly my own), I would've gone, and for better or worse had a really unique experience. Would I have liked it? Would it be as I thought it would be? It's a rare opportunity, to be sure. It would've given me an unparalleled view of how people around my age live in another society so utterly different. Movies and all tell what people expect, not what is.

*sigh*... For better or worse I'm at Taylor's, stuck as stuck can be in place run by rich grasping greedy people who don't care so much about the students as about keeping a reputation and meeting standards and performing well for the shareholders. Might be a few anomalies, but they're certainly not the norm. People in control, they're the grasping ones. Though I grant that I might see much of the same anywhere else in the world.

A brief mention of another missed chance, though this was not by choice: Uplands, International School of Penang. I wonder (well, not so much anymore, because I'm so busy with so much else) whether the atmosphere there would be less of the "for the good of the shareholders" sort of thing, and more for the "glories of a well rounded education". I think that would've been exceedingly fun, though exceedingly expensive as well despite the scholarship. I heard from one of the two people who got it (and refused it and is now at Taylor's, bah) that they only offered a 50% scholarship on tuition fees, not inclusive of boarding (which is more than the tuition fees even without the scholarship).

I guess the acceptance is coming, building up walls around the emotions, allowing me to get on with my life. And those walls are largely done, I've not thought about AFS for a while. It's just the article in the newspaper today that punched a hole through the wall, released a stream of curious regret.