unlimited

Been reading one of the Thinking Skills textbooks... something in it by a guy named Richard Dawkins. It's passage 57 of Critical Thinking: An Introduction if anyone is interested.

Anyway, the guy goes on about how the existence of God is improbable, like Santa Clause or the tooth fairy, because if there was a God, He would have to be an extremely intelligent superbeing, and the odds of that happening are extremely low. Thus, it is better not to believe in God, because it is so improbable. Besides, he says, it doesn't really any worthwhile explanation to anything, and it raises a bigger mystery than it solves.

Hm. I might not be worthy of the appelation 'Christian' anymore, but... it is comforting to know that there is a God, to know there is someone watching over you. To completely accept atheism (not just agnosticism, mind you), means to demolish every reason for sane human behaviour. To accept atheism, is to accept that there is no reason to exist, to do anything. That life is simply the whim of several billion molecules to be you for a while (an infinitely tiny speck of time along the great background of eternity, too, mind you). Any hope of human significance is completely, utterly wiped out.

I don't think I could take that. Sure, I've felt the moments where my sense seem to go beyond the sensible and I lose a sense of self, but to always live in such a state to lose any hope of peace. God may or may not exist, but it helps to believe He does. Because then it is perhaps possible to hope that our end is not just total obliteration. Can you imagine not existing? Can you imagine the world as it is not existing? But that's all to possible if God doesn't.

What I believe... is that there is a God. The results of that belief are rather inconsequential. It is enough to believe that there is a God, even if I don't think about Him most of the time. Only when the darkness and the silence of the universe seems to press down upon my mind, when all is quiet and there's no one around but me and the echoes of thoughts bouncing around in my head, do I really think about Him. And above all else, I want God to exist. I couldn't bear the alternative.

It's not about doing good, it's not about burning all sorts of weird foul smelling stuff. It's not so much about the way we live. For me, it is more about giving me a reason to go on living. Hell, I suspect, is easier to comprehend than non-existence. Non-existence may be the true horror... To be tortured, but to know simultaneously you still are... that might be enough. Though in all honesty Christianity is a lot blurrer than that, there are so many different camps like Arminianism and Calvinism and whatnot. One of them believes that punishment in Hell is not forever, the other does, I think (that's not their main point of contention, it's just one of them). One says you get burnt for a while, then you're obliterated. The other says forever. Besides that there's a lot of messy stuff about predestination and free will and stuff, but I don't think I want to particularly go into it.

Well, if anyone wonders what I do at home considering I don't have Astro, don't have access to the com most days, hardly exercise, hardly read (nowadays, anyway), then there's your answer. I peer into the depths of my soul, search the darkness behind my eyes, and wonder whether tomorrow is worth the effort.

Okay, so I don't really think about it all the time. It's particularly when I feel down, or when I haven't been getting enough social contact. =b. Then my mind starts to stew and the thoughts I don't even know belong to me or not rise up from the inner deeper darkness of my mind... Brr. It's terrible being alone. Not solitude, yannow, but being alone, feeling detached from the human race, sort of thing. Makes me want to really find a girl (haha, yes, I have a working adrenal gland =) ) I can worry about this with, can peer into infinity with, when the darkness and the silence step slowly and soundlessly into the cavern of my mind.

Brr... And to think I wanted to make more optimistic posts. Comments are welcome =)