unlimited

The final shards of hope have been crushed under heel at last, and now the healing should begin. Except that there will be moments, many moments, when I see again reminders of how I 'lost', of how perhaps I wasn't good enough.

Because certainly, one can't help but reflect upon the reasons why. It's an evolutionary survival skill. We learn how to be better so next time, our chances of success are higher. Was it me? I wonder. Maybe I don't have autolocomotion, certainly something of value: who doesn't like being driven around (plus, on an unrelated note, I love talking to the experienced frisbee players as they send me back, they're full of advice for the college-bound. These one-on-one conversations in a car really work, somehow.) ? Maybe I wasn't funny enough, cool enough, or something enough.

It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I kept thinking something's gonna change

I think at some level, although she said 'No', her behaviour just kept leading me on. I said, this can't work, I'll be leaving too soon, making a clean cut is best. But the unexpected messages kept coming, the midnight conversations kept going on, hope kept on springing eternal. I could not kill it.

There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Or maybe it's just that I came on too strongly. This, I suspect, is the root of it all, and why I call it infatuation. I gave too much, asked for too much, expected too much. Love takes time to grow, and I should have realised that. Note to self: confessing love early, not good. In the beginning, it's all about presentation, and any sign of weakness only comes later. Still, it's a tangled web we weave, when we learn to deceive...

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes, I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all

Yeah, it's probably just me. In my love was the seeds of its own destruction. You live and learn, I suppose. At least I am a fool no more. There is only the unceasing mocking, the voice saying, "You have lost at last," rather reminiscent of university rejections - "Others are preferred to you, better than you"

There is only torment left. Pure, unadulterated, torment. A black night of the soul, if you will.

And day shall follow night, as always.

(song lyrics from the song Sometimes Love Ain't Enough, copyrighted to somebody and used without permission. this is a little blog, anyhow)