unlimited

The days are shaping up to be moderately busy... learning to play Enter Sandman on my poky old classical guitar, dreaming up a design for Inkyhands (which has a new issue, by the way!), watching movies and the Simpsons, continuing my driving lessons, choosing college courses to take, contemplating doing some baking, daydreaming, going for PE2 bashes... Life's pretty good =)

And yet I'm considering getting a job. Blah.

Some thoughts, now. After a much needed com formatting today, I spent some time adding a whole bunch of contacts from PE2. So I've left college already. Better late than never, eh? What crossed my mind, however, was how seldom I actually talk to most of the people on my contact list. It's trim, at a mere 50 odd names (I was a little late to the messaging game), but even, I talk to barely a tenth of the people on a regular basis. All those contacts from my old school and from Outward Bound would gather dust if it were possible. I almost never simply shoot the breeze with any of my contacts, they're on the list... for convenience, I suppose. So I can be reached if needed.

Maybe I should try chatting more. I really do love having meaningful conversations with people, the ones that just happen. And maintaining friendships is important, too. The world's a big place, and we need all the help we can get =). Me and my introverted hangups. Gnnh. Since I have time, maybe I ought to get to work on keeping friendships. I could go all Pareto on my contact list and pick out some 20% of the people I haven't been talking to and see how it goes... My only concern is it might strike people as weird, just popping up out of the blue. Hm.

I did say I'd posting something about deep personal agonies. I was exaggerating. I have finally sailed out of the stormy seas of love lost, and into the quiet lagoon of general affection. Affection isn't half as exclusive, and certainly not as demanding, as love. It is less concerned with finding a 'right' person, as it is with simply enjoying being around some people. Affection is nice warm feeling =).

Hmm. Part of what I took away from the trip to Lang Tengah is the realisation that people connect on different levels (be it physical, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally), and that I don't tend towards the physical so much and the mental and emotional. So many friends fall into a relationship that seems one long cuddle. More power to them, but it's not a strong priority for me. I think being understood is important. Some people are pleasant in their own way, but they could never understand some parts of me, not the darkness and the complexities and contradictions.

Although, who knows, eh? What will separate affection (which is mild attraction) from love? I can only take stabs at what I think is best. Is more important in a relationship to be loved or understood? One part of me wants the warm fuzzies of really romantic love, another (saner) part wants someone who is also a best friend. At least I've time to find out what I want. Here's something of a shopping list: intelligent, smart, kind, gentle, shares the same joys in life, similar passions....

(God, that really threw me back... I remembered talking to her about shopping lists, and suddenly I realise that it's been a long 4+ months since we first met. We had many long, wonderful conversations, and it really was something. We would talk late into the night, into the wee hours like now. I will miss those chats, I know.)

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be." saith one Katherine Mansfield. Indeed. Now I must convince myself that the best is yet to be, that she wasn't quite who I thought she was.

*sigh* But really, I'm pretty much past it now. "The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea," said another sage. I had all three at Lang Tengah, some in much greater proportions than the other. It helped.

And if this has been one, long ramble, all I shall say in my defence is: It's 3 bloody AM.