unlimited

I had a nearly transcendental moment while waiting for my mom at the ttDi market today. I had nothing to do, the sun was shining (maybe a little too brightly), and nature was all about. The vegetable stalls were a riot of colour, along with the florists and the fruit stalls. A dozen scents filled the air, beautiful and interesting and peculiar all at the same time.

The veg stall made me hungry. And it made me think of cooking, of whether I'll ever learn, whether I'll know the tastes and names of each vegetable. To me, the ability to cook is tied in closely with independence, which I value. I really do want to learn. Plus, it'll make entertaining guests easy =).

The fruit stall made me think of people. How we're all so different, in size in shape in colour. In temperament, in interests, in philosophies. And it's hard to say which is good and which is best. Are apples better than bananas? Are they better than that odd little amber fruit with soft skin that I saw? Even apples are not all alike. You've got to bite into one before you know. Same with people, natch. Like trying fruits meeting people and getting to know them is fun and interesting.

The myriad flowers captured me. I thought about love, and about growing old with the one you love, and how I hope I will still be in love enough when I'm 50 to spontaneously buy flowers for her. But for now it eludes me like the joy of seeing a sunset I mentioned yesterday. I feel affection, of sorts, but that emotion is definitely not exclusive. Plus, I think my eye wanders too much at present.

I think it is a problem of choice. Specifically, the paradox of choice: "profusion of choices we face... ...is turning us into maximizers, and maximizers... ...are prone to misery and depression."

Another excerpt from the same article at the New Yorker:

"It helps explain why so many people at age thirty are still flailing about, trying to choose a career—and why so many marriageable singles wind up alone. You await a spouse who combines the kindness of your mom, the wit of the smartest person you met in grad school, and the looks of someone you dated in 1983 (as she was in 1983) . . . and you wind up spending middle age by yourself, watching the Sports Channel at 2 a.m. in a studio apartment strewn with pizza boxes."

Indeed. And college, I suppose, is one of the better places to find that someone. So many choices, so many possiblities, it sometimes seems! But because of that, not despite it, it becomes harder to choose. You feel a tension, being pulled simultaneously in different directions depending on what you ate that morning and who you saw. Well, I do, at least.

How now? Satisfice (yay econs term that I understand!) is the suggestion proposed, instead of maximizing utility (read: happiness). I'll have to keep that in mind. I've only got five to six months left around here, tops, so the question of falling in love now is moot. It not good idea.

Besides, I'm still changing, still trying to improve myself. And I'll make it someday, somehow.

In life, in love.

Satisficed =).