unlimited

I have a confession to make: I am annoying. I've been thinking about it, though the rhyme and reason of it escapes me. Maybe it's attention-seeking. Maybe people change and I don't. Either way, I wish I wasn't, because this kind of thing, it ruins friendships and relationships with people. So far it hasn't really mattered, but I don't want it to be a problem.

It's the sum of little things, little things I just keep doing for no reason in particular. It's like a bad habit. Little things that start to get on people's nerves after a while. I notice. Somehow, I go on... I remember irritating two people in particular, and now I'm annoying another person.

The other thing about me is, I have moods. They range from cheerfully annoying, to pleasant, to touchy and grumpy. I bear grudges rather easily. I burn my house to kill the rats. More often, I'm just quiet and untalkative. I get caught up in my thoughts, thinking about problems to which there are no solutions. Thinking about changing things that cannot be changed. Thinking, wishing, dreaming...

Being happy go lucky isn't my thing. I'm not naturally bubbly and happy. I envy those people. Their worries slide off them like raindrops from the roof. They laugh and talk and speak as though this really was the best of all possible worlds. Happiness is a lovely invisible cloud that hovers around them like flies around carrion (sorry, couldn't think of a more positive simile).

I admit happiness is partly a choice people make. Some of the happiest people don't seem like they ought to be. They've problems and troubles like everyone else, maybe more than their fair share, even. But they know how to deal with it. Such capacity for joy and happiness... *sigh* Shall it be mine?

Maybe it's just people. I don't worry so much about life. I find beauty and happiness in moments, seeing sunsets, seeing clouds go by, and stuff. Maybe I just wasn't made for getting along with people.

Maybe I expect too much. Expect too high a standard from them, consciously or otherwise. Be kind, be forgiving, be tolerant, be wise, be loving, be gentle, be just, be honest, be patient, be strong, be courageous. I'm coming to realise that no one could possibly live up to those standards: especially not me, whom I demand the best from. I, who do things for convulted reasons that come from thinking too much, until the original thought is forgotten.

To everyone whose toes I've ever stepped on, everyone whom I've ever annoyed, or confused, or ignored, or irked, or forgotten, or been generally unfriendly to, forgive me. Forgive me because I am not who I ought to be. I have no excuse, no grounds for mitigation. I don't think I'm a very nice person. My penance is to try to be that person.

O God, teach us how to live.

In my dreams, at least I fly.